I heard sounds in the kitchen so I ran to the couch which is where I am now. I'm really hungry but I'm too scared to move, so I figured my best bet would be to write a blog as I can consider that semi productive...Okay. Not really. But I'm full of emotions and I need something to do with them.
You know how on the last episode of a tv series they often show the main character looking back at the set which has been stripped to it's bare bones, just the walls, maybe a couple pieces of furniture. And it's almost always silent, nothing happening but looking back. That's how I'm feeling right now before my move. I've felt for a long time Fairmont and most of the people here had slammed the door on me, but now it's my turn to close the final door and walk away. I'm still surrounded by stuff but I can see the bare bones starting to show up. I haven't been bothering with friends much lately. Let's be honest, I've never really felt like I had any or that I was ever wanted around. So I've just been staying at home and doing stuff around the house. The odd part was I didn't want anyone around. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't even want to talk to people. I guess it's because when I would go to parties around here, I was just putting on a fake smile and laughing when I needed too, looking sad when I needed to, and just wishing they'd shut up about all the mundane drama in their lives that doesn't matter. I don't want to fake it anymore. Every time I'm about to go in a situation where I have to put on that fake smile I just want to break down and cry. I'm so tired to pretending for everyone else, when no one cares about me. I'm so tired of making them happy, when I'm always alone with no one there. So I've stayed home and I have gotten a lot done around the house, which is useful in the long run.
I mean what's the point anymore really? I'm moving to Florida. And while the choice to go there isn't to run away, there is a running away quality to it. I want to start over and I feel like I can't here. Not that there is anything to start over for. I want to go where I can meet new people, experience new things, and finally get to figure out who I am. So why bother with that person up here who never made time for me before or we were only kinda friends? I mean really, how often will I be up here and will those people be around? No. I would say not. And honestly I'm just tired of not having friends to talk to when I get down. I'm having all kinds of family troubles and health issues and I am so sad lately. And no one knows? Really? So why should I care! Do good and good will come to you. Is that selective? Because I always try when they need something to talk to to listen and give advice. Try to make them laugh and be friends. And me? No. I just sit at home and cry and no one cares. No one notices, even when it's right there.
I'm so angry. I have so much anger I don't even know what to do with it. I'm so mad at people. For the way the treat others, for political issues, for things people should care about and don't, for how they back stab everyone they know so no one has trust just falseness. And I'm most angry, to the point of livid, that people do not hear one another and do not speak to one another. I'm angry at out choice to be deaf, dumb, and blind. And I hate that I'm the one who opened her eyes and saw it. I know another of other people learning this same lesson and they never saw it, they somehow stayed blind. But now that I can see it, I can't stop seeing it. How people lie to others, how people lies to themselves! And how we look at someone who is obviously falling apart and not see it. We live in a world where we stuff our emotions and we don't want to hurt anyone and everyone is at fault for everything except ourselves. But what is it to be human then? Just to sit around stone faces and shun the person who felt something? Isn't being human feeling and having the cognition to know why we feel that and what we can do about it? Aren't eyes for seeing and ears for hearing? So when we see someone in pain, why are our arms not for holding and kind words not for giving?
What is this choice that we have made to be on "social networks" and forgetting how to be social at all! We are constantly in contact with another with technology....so then why do so many of us feel so alone? Because we are and we choose it. I'm not angry at fairy tales for making me believe in love. I'm angry at shows that made me believe in friends. I'm spent far more time n my life being lonely and wishing I had a friend than I ever spent waiting for a boyfriend (and this is not coming for a girl who was always dating someone. I had years of singledom.) And it's nights like these when I just feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about anything of any importance and I hold all this pain inside that I feel like heart is drowning, that I wonder if it will ever change? I know I'm at fault, I must be. I hate being shy, it's cursed me in so many ways. But even when I talk to people, it doesn't work! Or I find the wrong people as my college experience would show. If I just knew what I needed to change. What I needed to do. Where I needed to go! I want to be optimistic that in Florida I can make the changes I want to see happen...but without the proper tools how? How do I do this?
I'm also having one of those days that my thoughts are coming in and out like the tide. I don't know why I'm writing this or what I'm writing. I just want someone to know I'm lonely and I cry almost every day from the stress and events happening in my life. I do really laugh often and I want to share that with people; but I really want people to know how much I hurt as well. And I really want people to know I wish I could talk about it with someone...
