Title quote by Albert Camus
Well, I am 5 days away from starting my life in Florida! It's a lot of stress and because of it I have been thinking about a lot of things. I have moved out of my apartment and staying a week with my mother until we move. This process has had a lot of ups and downs.
You would think that leaving the place you have lived your entire life would be emotional. But when it feels like a place is done with you and you equally done with it it seems to make it much easier. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't have it's moments. Actually the one that really got me was last week and of all things it was Muriales. I was sitting at home thinking about what I wanted to eat and I thought about the spaghetti at Muriales. It's my favorite and it's the only place where I'll eat the spaghetti when I go out! And at the thought of not having this place anywhere near me and who knows when I could eat this again, it was the first time I felt the tugs of home sickness and how big this really is. It's pretty hard when you have that moment and you have no one to talk to about it because everyone around will feed it and tell you to stay. The lack of support of...any decision I've made lately has made this move really hard, but I've kept fighting through and going to make a change so hopefully this will lead to something good.
And to be honest lately with the stress of the move I have been feeling really down. I have been busy moving so I haven't really been hanging around people and that's when I starting thinking ("A dangerous past time." "I know!"). I always end up blaming myself for everything, and I thought that was helping to make me a more mature person. I'm not blaming others, I'm taking the blame so that's good right? Well, I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong, I have no intentions on starting to blame others because that doesn't really solve the problems, but I do realize now that not everything is my fault.
For instance, for those who have read my blog before they know that I have always had issues with feeling isolated and left out and wondered what I do wrong in the friendships? That is had to be me! Sometimes God sends you little signs to help you get answers, and I think that is just what happened yesterday. I was just looking around on the internet and I found information on Pisces and how sensitive they are. So I looked further into it and found so much information that sounds like me and one of the things I found was about how Pisces often will be drawn to people with problems and take them on as they own and this will often end up really hurting them (because the often feel things very deeply). This is very true for me! A few years ago was the first time I really noticed it. It started when I noticed that people just seemed to come up to me and spill their problems to me. Just start talking about personal stuff when they have never spoken to me before! I don't really know why they did it, maybe it's because I'm so quiet and seemed like I'd be a good listener or because I have big eyes and a sensitive look that makes them feel like I'm someone who will be there. Either way they weren't wrong, I would take it on instantly and because people's "best friend" very quickly. Then I found I would go to the outcasts and become friends with them, as if taking them on. And all these people really are wonderful people who deserve great things and happiness!
So what is the problem with this? Well I would listen to them, and I would be there. I'd make them laugh, I'd pick them up. If they wanted to hang out I'd be there and I'd have fun! But it's that friendship is a two way street. And I didn't really get friends....I became the psychologist. All those people who instantly saw me as their best friend? They're gone now. Either they just sort of disappeared or they got angry at me the first time I said 'no' or did something for myself instead. And the worst was when I needed something they weren't there for me. How could they be? When a friendship is about someone picking you up when you can't stand on your own, if they fall you can't help them.
That's where the problem came in and that's what my readings of yesterday made me realize. I used to feel terrible when people would get angry and throw me away because I said 'I didn't feel like it.' about going somewhere. It would tear me apart when I was there for people and when I felt broken was so alone and not one of those people were around! But that should have been the clue right? Friends can say no and that's okay, just as long as more often you are there. I realized I held a lot of one way friendships. I tried so hard to be there for these people because I thought that is what would make me friends, giving and supporting and that I'd get that in return. I still believe that's true in the right groups, but I was doing something else that was conflicting with this. It's also a Pisces thing to be full of self-doubt and hold ones-self back. That's exactly that I was doing. I told myself I wasn't worth anything. Since I was a child I would let myself talk to people because everyone else listened to pop music and I listened to classic rock. I had one person tell me I was weird for that and so for years I would talk because I thought "Well I won't have anything in common with them anyway. They'll just think I'm weird if I open my mouth and speak." I outcasted myself. How many great people out there did I never get to know because I thought I was weird? And I bet a lot of them would have liked classic rock too (actually as I got older I found out guys really liked that in a girl)! And how many times did I stop myself from a chance at would have could have been great friendship because I belittled myself?
I realized that if I want this to chance, I have to stop treating myself like this. In truth I do know I'm very talented. I am a great singer, pretty darn good at crafts. I am caring and fun and love to have a great time with people! I have to stop telling myself no before I try. Go ahead and look stupid in front of a couple people, I'll grow from that anyway. I'm sure that more often than making a fool of myself I'll actually show people the person I really am and will really get to meet people.
In Florida I'm only going to know a couple people and I am glad that I saw this and really I think it's a sign that I saw this when I did, because this is my answer to "what am I doing wrong?" that I have asked for years. No I'm not being a bad friend, and I am a nice person. I just have to open up to more people and show that and not let myself become "the psychologist". Thank you God, for this answer and for the others you have been showing me. I still have a lot to discover (who doesn't?) but I'm searching and finding what I need and now I just need to act on it. Nothing changes with just the knowledge, it's about the next step. And that step is coming in just a few days! I hope God will give me the strength to do what I have to do next!
Life is scary but I'm ready to face it head on!
