I'd Rather Be Nine People's Favorite Thing.

I started this blog at 6:45 a.m. This is what my brain does: I have a thought and then no matter how tired I may be I must rise and write. So here you are. Welcome to the inner workings of Andie's Brain.

My title today is from a song from a musical. It is really a musical about writing a musical and this song is about a show. The line goes "I'd rather be 9 people's favorite thing, than a 100 people's 9th favorite thing." Every time I hear this it reinforces something inside of me so I take this song on a much personal level.  You see, my whole life I have been "weird". I never fit in because I was very shy and quiet. Really it turns out that most of my life I've suffered from an anxiety disorder and didn't know it. Anxiety runs in the family, both sides have it, and I've been dealing with it since elementary school. I was scared and I didn't know how to talk to people or what to say. I was so afraid I just didn't, and of course dealing with that and not knowing what it was was upsetting. I've always been emotional but with no way to know how to deal with it. So obviously put all that together, and to someone on the outside who has no idea about anxiety and all of that I just look like a weird duck. So I was never "popular". I can't really say I aspired to be that though. I always just wanted to friends, good friends that I could put my trust in. But of course we often spend time wishing we had more friends in the high school years. By the time I got to college I just wanted friends. I have always searched for them. I have to say, in all honesty, I had better times in high school than I did in college. They often said "If you hate high school, you'll love college." Well, I had my ups and downs like all high schoolers, but my senior year was awesome! I left loving high school and I ended up hating college. That never got better, in fact it got worse and worse. I went anxiety disorder, to depression. Try 16+ hours of school, working, and doing a musical when every morning you can't stop crying and can't think of one blessed reason why you should get out of bed. That was a living Hell. And doing it on your own was the worst. Ok, correction, I did have Daniel. And I swear I probably would have never gotten up if he wasn't there. After that the stress started to take a toll on my body. I think the pain that I have been experiencing, is literally my body breaking under the pressure of all the anxiety and sadness I was caring. College was the worst for me. And during a time when you are dealing with all of that, I only made a couple friends
But once I graduated and was able to heal from some of the things that happened and see more clearly my perception starts to change. In the moment, when you see big groups of people that all seem to be friends laughing and sharing, you're jealous. At least I always was. I wanted to be apart of that so bad. I wanted connection with others, but I never knew how to get it. I mean we watch these shows, "The Golden Girls" and "F.R.I.E.N.D.S." and it makes you wonder "Is there really nothing like that out there? That this is all fake and I will never share and be this open with friends like this?" I've never experienced it but I still can't believe that really not out there. So I'd watch these groups thinking they had it and hurting and wishing I could be a part of it. But time goes on, and we can start to see other things. These same groups that I thought had these great relationships with so many, the next thing I know a person would leave the circle and everyone was talking about them! Not one person would have their back. They were mocked, put down. And I don't understand that. Okay, I know people the get on my nerves, we've all said something. But to call them my friends and do that? No. I guess I'm just a little too honest for that behavior. If I do not like you as a person, you are not my friends. I have had people who were my friends that as we grew and changed, or some cases didn't change, and they became another person entirely that was not likeable, no they weren't my friends then. I won't hang around people I don't like, but that seemed to be what the big group did. And I didn't like it. I felt like I suddenly saw these relationships that we're great so long as you didn't turn your back on them because they would and did stab it the minute you did.
And it's not just about friends. I'm going to take the leap here and say sometimes family doesn't have your back either. Blood may be thicker than water, but that really means that fighting your way upstream in a river of blood is that much harder. And sometimes, though family may be doing something they think is best or may have their own more selfish reasons, sometimes you really can't agree with them. Sometimes you can't stop living your life because they don't agree. I have realized family doesn't mean they'll be there or that they'll support you, it doesn't always even mean they will love you. It sometimes means you're related; and that's all.
I realized both the things about friends and family in my life were true in some cases at the same time, and I want to say there is nothing more miserable than the feeling of loneliness that accompanies that thought. You family doesn't support you? Call your friends. You don't have any? Then it's all yours, all that pain. And the sadness is like a tidal wave that starts deep in your hearts and grows bigger and is getting ready to swallow you up in all that devastation. If you ever find yourself in a world where you feel this alone and that waves threatens, the only advice I have is don't let it. If you go down with it, it's going to take a lot of time to get to the surface. It's hard to keep standing in the waves, when they are constant and strong, surging at you but when you keep your feet even if the wind has been knocked out of you, you always feel stronger. And that's what you get to do, just keep standing until the waves calm down and you are a stronger person and you can take on the next thing that life is going to throw at you.
But from all this I had learned something, and this is why I love this song. Because after seeing so many unfriendly faces wearing the mask of friendship I realized I would rather have 9 people in my life that thought the world of me, 9 people that when they saw me said "Now there is a great person! That's my friend!", 9 people- be them friends, lovers, family- that could not live without me. I'd rather have unconditional love and trust from 9 people, than be surrounded by bunches of people who don't care much about me at all. Who will not be there when I fall or won't even notice even if I'm standing right their in front of them. I don't want to that. I don't want fair-weathered friends and loved ones.  And it's hard in this world to remember that sometimes, because you see the big groups and you want to be that person they are all looking at and laughing at their jokes. But this song reminds me that I'd rather have just those couple people who love my jokes and that there isn't any distance between us, just complete trust.
It reminds me I'm not wrong about never giving up who I am to make others happy. That's another big part of this song, this idea of not selling out. Johnny Depp had a great story about this exact thing when he was on "Inside the Actor's Studio and I'm putting the link right here so you can see it because the way he puts it is perfect:

There comes a point in your life when you can't try to please others anymore. You grow up trying to make others happy and when it doesn't work you just got to stop, shrug, and be who you are. And once I started just being me, I knew who my real friends were. And that's what I want. I want those people who love me for every bad pun I make and every good and bad day I have and every dream I pursue. They are the real deal.
This video of Johnny Depp and the song reminds me to never give that up, never comprise who I am because there is nothing wrong with me and I should love and respect myself for that because it's a brave thing to decide to be yourself in this world and to not give that up for anyone. It's a brave decision and when made it's a great one as well.
I don't know if I could say I even have 9 people right now, I've always been a lonely sort; anxiety can make you antisocial like that and I still struggle with it. Sometimes it is because I'm afraid to talk to people, sometimes I just don't want to talk to people. But I know I have a couple that have been there and will be there. I should take the opportunity to open up to these people more often, because there is one more catch to the idea of finding those friends you can share with: you can't stand in your own way and be the reason you aren't talking to people. I do that a lot because I think they won't want to hear from me or won't care, or they will tell me to shut up, you know all those anxious reasons. Chances are, if they are my real friends, they won't so I should give them a chance sometime. But I do have a few good friends and I have a love that beyond words. To have found someone I can share life with like I have with Daniel and  have so much love pouring over you is so wonderful and I think for that alone I'm beyond lucky because some will never know this love and some don't even believe in it. I'm so profoundly grateful to have this love. So I may not have 9 people right now, but I'm still young and have a long life ahead of me and I'm excited to see who my 9 people end up being. <3

Can a Person be Changed?

It has now been over 2 years since Daniel and I started dating and we were best friends before that. When I first met him he was dark, always wearing Gothic clothing and fangs and the like. In school he would often do or say something weird and unusual. He wasn't happy. I think I barely heard him laugh and almost never did I see a real smile. But there was still something about him that was attractive to me. He wasn't like everyone else. He stood out. And I guess I would have to admit when we first became friends it was probably the Pisces in me. I have a tendency to befriend those who need help and often that leads to unsatisfying friendships because they are one sided but that wasn't the case with Daniel. He listened to me! I can honestly say never in my whole life have I had someone that I could open up to like that, even to this day. He barely knew me and I could go crying to him and he really listened. Well once you find someone to talk to and listens, well it's pretty much instant connection from that point. But as I said I couldn't say that it would seem we had much common ground at the time. But the truth was we did. We had a lot in common and lots to talk about, it just seemed some of the big stuff that was drastically different but that never mattered much to us.

Now, over 2 years later, here I am in Florida (with someone who used to say he hated heat and loved the cold) with a man who said he needs "light colored clothes for his birthday" (who before wouldn't barely wear anything but black) and is going to be working for and absolutely loves Disney! I have been a big Disney fan for awhile, and he liked it but it wasn't his thing. But now he talks about Disney, he wants to go to Disney, and in the last couple of weeks he has started to wonder through the Men's section in Downtown Disney and wants shirts with Mickey Mouse on them (if you knew this guy, you would understand what a turn around this is). When he got the job he bounced around the house like a 5 year old and every time he would think of another thing he would get to do, cover his mouth with a big surprised face like he couldn't believe it was happen to him! He laughs, real laughing and he smiles all the time.

Now from someone who seemed to hate the world and himself to loving Disney is a big turn around. The boy I first met in college is almost completely gone. This made wonder: Can you change a man?
There is a lot about who Daniel is now that are very qualities of me and that made me wonder if I did change? I wasn't really comfortable with the idea because I never was really for it. Why change the person you love? If I didn't like something that much would I really love them? I didn't want to be the cause of a big change in a person. I didn't want to seem like that person. But I started thinking about it and I don't think that's quiet the case.

Am I the same person I was 2 years ago? No. Not at all. Things have happened. Some really hard things, tough decisions and rough times. But through all the bad that happened with others and situations, Daniel was there and I have laughed more and loved life like I never have before. I have become happier. I have learned how to really laugh. Some may be confused by that idea, what it is to really laugh, but when you are out in public and something strikes you funny and you let out a laugh uninhibited by how it should sound or am I too loud, and people look shocked by the sound of it; you'll know you've really laughed. And don't take their shocked looks as a sign you need to stop, it's just that most people don't really laugh and the sound is always strange to them, but it will feel so good you couldn't care less. That's the thing since I've been with Daniel, the rest of the world could fall away. I didn't need to meet their standards. I didn't need to hang out with them to "be cool". I didn't need any of that as long as I had his arms to hold me through the darkness and his smile to share in the light. So I went from a girl who was cynical, hard, and closed down to one who has open and finally see the joy in life and finding herself. That's when I realized I changed too.

So the question is: Can a person be changed? The answer is yes but not the way it is thought to go. Neither of us ever purposely changed the other, it just happened. That's when I realized the true answer to this question. You can't find someone and hope the things you don't like about them will change or that you can change it. You have to love everything about them completely, for every good and bad part of their personality and being. And they have to love you in this way as well. And as you grow in your love, they change and you change, until you are one being growing together to become the perfect compliment to the other. Neither of us just changed the other, we changed by caring about the others likes and dislikes and wanting to share in experiences with them. It's mutual, it's a journey and you go on it together. And when you get to, let's say, 2 years later and you look to see how far you have both come and how things have changed and how happy you are, well it's a really cool feeling that I hope everyone gets to have. And I hope we continue to have them and I can't wait to see how we will grow together in the future.