So often I sit around alone thinking that my problems are just going to go away if I ignore them or press them down enough. That I can not face them and they'll just go away. That's not how the world works. But why do I keep them to myself? Well because we live in a world now that even though the only thing people are interested in is drama but the minute someone they know is hurting, it's better to ignore it. Because when people say they are upset and why people tell them to "grow up and get over it."
Well I'm not complaining because my coffee is cold or mall is too packed. I always try to be kind and supportive of others. I always listen if someone comes up to me. I always put up funny pictures because I want others to have a laugh and feel good.
But damn it I hurt. I have should not have to feel bad about that. And I shouldn't have to hide it to make someone else feel better. I hurt and it's eating away my life. And I want to talk about it. And if no one is going to ask what's going on, if no one is going to say 'I'm here', then I will put it where it's public so maybe you'll see it. And probably you still won't care. But I'm not holding this as my own anymore.
I've been having a lot of trouble lately dealing with anxiety. As I've looked into anxiety and how to deal, I've realized my entire life I've dealt with this. This was the thing that made me be quiet and not be myself, that made me feel like I would never fit in so there was no reason to try. I always felt so different and now that I have Daniel in my life I realize I was just like everyone else. This was the thing since 6th grade made me so sad I didn't know how to cope and from sophomore year on I drove myself crazy trying to find out what was wrong with me. Anxiety. The word is misused in our society. So I'm sure the readers are going 'ok...so you're nervous...big whoop.' No. It's so much more than that. I wish I could give you my fear, my daily fear that happens when I'm in a car or watching a scary movie, that would equal your terror. I wish you knew what that felt like. And I don't care if that sounds mean. I wish you really got it. Because it sucks. Everything is so much harder. I've had panic attacks at the thought of walking into a church. Just opening a door and putting a foot inside. I'm that scared.
For awhile I was getting it under control. I felt more in charge. But last year when I was hit, it seemed to break it all lose. Everything became impossible. Everything became a nightmare and terrifying. Things that should be fun... I can't find the joy in it...and that's what this blog is really about.
But it's not just the anxiety that is making things hard. It's dealing with it and all the big life choices and changes coming at me by myself. I want to make sure this is understood: I do have Daniel. Daniel is great and he tries to help...he doesn't always know how, but he tries. But he's one person. Who's going through it too..who's really just as lost as me. He doesn't know what we are going into, he can't give me words of wisdom or knowledge or words of comfort....that's what I don't have. Yes he'll be there if I need him...he has to be.....it's that feeling there is no one else.
I got engaged in November. It should be one of the happiest moments of your life. And he did a wonderful job. I got a whole trip and he knew I always said I wanted fireworks just for me and that's what he tried to make it. He did a great job.
There is always this part of an engagement a girl doesn't actually envision..but expects. And that the people who love you will be so happy for you! That they will hug you and be excited and ask what your plans are. And just have real joy for you.
The day after I got engaged we were driving home and I got a call, a call that informed me of other calls that happened. Those people who "loved" me had made calls about my engagement....but not one to me. In fact I didn't get a text from the people involed, not even a freaking facebook comment or like. No. But they knew and they talked it over, and....well to be quiet frank considering they never came to me, I guess everything they talked about was assumptions. And they decided that I just happened to be a immature child who ran off and got engaged and was being stupid and ruining my life and must not have told my mom. That's how I found out. My mom, who did know, told me about this. In fact Daniel asked for her permission and talked to her about it way before we left. These people could have known this had they called ME and asked ME! It was MY DAY! I have never been so angry at these people in my life! Only because I am shy and anxious of confronting people stopped them from getting a call that night at some time past midnight...in fact stopped them from getting attacked by me for the next month. I was livid. And I'm still mad.
And I'm sure you could say 'oh maybe it wasn't they way you think it was.' Well lets talk about when I get home shall we. I get home. No one says anything about it as I'm with one of the people who were a part of this behind my back phone conversation. I know they know. But they have no intention of mentioning it. They are going to pretend they don't know. So we decided to "tell" this person...you want to know this responce. The people who are to be my "loved ones", and about the things girls dream about since they were little, you want to hear how my happy news was responded to? They looked over at Daniel and said "Well what did you do that for?"........
That was the beginning of all of this. That phone tag that was about me and my news, that didn't involve me, permantly and forever burned a bridge for me. No. That's not love. I mean it's one thing when the guy is abusive, when they have watched her be treated badly I get that. But Daniel? What did he do wrong? Oh I remember one summer I had hit depression to the point I had my suicide planned out, I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I threw up and had headaches till I couldn't see I was so miserable (Didn't know that did you? Thanks for your concern when my life was at risk.). So he picked up his life and in a week gave up what he had planned to do for himself to come down and be with me. How terrible of him. And then he took care of me while I was sick for months and was there when I had surgery. And has stood by me while I fell a part, emotionally and physically and loves me for everything I am. So what is your problem with that? He's not rich? I'm sorry if I think love is more important. That having someone you trust, that is your best friend and you can laugh with them and they understand you in a way no one has EVER understood you. That there isn't a thing you can do that is going to be judged because they love you that much. I'm sorry you can't see what love is or that I have it. But people do fall in love and I don't have to be over 30 to find it. And even if you don't believe that, it's still my life, if I'm making a "mistake"- let me. You don't learn from sitting on the side lines while others tell you what's right and what's wrong. You have to dive in and do it.
And further more, for anyone who would try to take away an engaged couples happiness and the joy they should feel after that: How DARE you? Think back at your engagement and the happiness you felt. Think about when you went to people and were congratulated and hugged and they were happy for you. Think of that joy you had...and how dare you think you have the right to decided someone elses life and that if you don't appove you have the right to ruin that experience and happiness for them? That you can ban together and ignore it and you will "teach" them a lesson. No. NEVER do this to someone! What a HORRIBLE! and TERRIBLE! way to treat someone you "love"!
It was in this that I realized I didn't have people to turn to. It was in that I realized I didn't have love and support I always assumed would be there. And I don't expect anyone who would read this would honestly know how bad that hurts. I learned that a title that a person holds in your life, even permantly, can sometimes be no more than a title. And you can't ever assume that there is love there. I assumed that and I was wrong. You couldn't make me believe they love me, not after that. There were some that I really liked and trusted...I thought were really there for me and I thought were funny and great and I loved being around...and then this. And I used to love to see you. Now I never want see that person again.
So after this happened, I look out to see who else supports me.....well I got congrats, nice words. They were nice. But....I don't have barely any friends. I could lie here to save people's feelings but why? So I can hurt alone still? I have a couple people who really are my friends. That's it. For the most part I've been ignore and walked all over and used as a personal therapist and then thrown away for the more "popular" or more "useful" "friends". I'm not fake and I don't really want to fake friendships, so if I know they won't really be my friends and be real with me, no I'm not interested. So that in general made me a pretty unpopular choice. And things happened and every turned on me. No one cared, they also didn't see how depressed I had gotten or cared. So I was left alone.
So no. I never had anyone bubbling over with excitement. I never had people ask what my plans were, how excited I was. People didn't even ask how the trip was or how Daniel asked.
And no one ever hugged me. That's the one that hurts the most. But I guess I should be used that by now...because when I was little I was that people didn't hug you and listen and help when you upset.
So I got through that...and the holidays. I kept the pain to myself and the loneliness...guess I do a good job of hiding it, I've never seen anyone give a shit.
I graduated. Same people didn't care. No cards. No calls. Not texts, nothing.
And here I am. I am trying to figure out where and how to get a job...alone. And I'm trying to plan things for a wedding....alone. And looking at places down in Florida because I plan on moving and am getting the same amount for that as anything else.
And I'm already fighting having an anxiety disorder with no help or acknowledge meant from previously mentioned party. Not to metion health problems. I might have fibromyalgia and IBS, but I still down have anwsers for what's really long after over a year of suffering.
All alone.
And I'm exhausted.
The anxiety of trying to do all of this by myself is like this huge tidal wave coming at me and I'm just standing there frozen and lost because no one will save me, they'll just watch me get swallowed by it and believe I deserve it.
And I want to cry out for help...but when I do no one anwsers. So I'll just let you know what's going on in my life now.
I was devasted by how my engagement was recived. Congratulations: You ruined one of the happiest moments of my life. I hope you are happy and don't worry you will always get the credit. But since then and the graduation, no one really cared about me before but now that I wasn't around most have just forgotten about me completely and my loneliness has reached a new level. And having that illusion of love shattered has made it all that much more terrible to deal with because I know they don't even care.
So we started to plan the wedding and was trying to get as much down as possible before we moved as possible. I was trying to be excited and enjoy it....but knowing I was going to be doing all this alone and that all these people I thought would be there aren't going to be.....well it was so painful to realize, and all that I have to do for a wedding? Alone? It was too much. I am not excited anymore. I quit planning. I always wanted a big white wedding with loved ones. Well I don't have that so what's the point. Why waste all my money and time, because I won't be getting any support to have a great beautiful wedding for them to come and be fake and not even say how great I did? Or they're proud of me. God forbid I heard that one! No, I just know that I'm already stressed and the idea of taking all this on with no help became over whelming and heart breaking and I didn't want to do it anymore. For a month I just kept looking up dresses and colors and flowers. And then I just stopped.I don't even want to. If people bring it up....I just try to give quick anwsers and get away because I don't even want to think about it. We're having an engagement party this weekend because I wanted to be with family and friends and celebrate it.......and I'm so miserable I've been woken up in the middle of the night crying because I don't want to be there. I want to see these people, I want to see those who are coming....but what I've been dealing with has made the topic of the party the most dreadful things for me to think of dealing with right now...especially while pretending like I'm okay. I've wanted to cancel it...I've talked to Daniel about it and I came so close to doing it....but I'm so terribly lonely I don't want to take away my only chance to see some people...
So I hope those people are happy. You won I guess. I mean of course you treat someone's happy news like that you are going to effect them, but the silence I've gotten from them and when I did bring it up the responces of "When is this happening!?" and when I say it's still awhile away the "I was about to say!" like I shouldn't be excited. And I hope you know it takes two to be engaged. You also have hurt Daniel with this. Can you imagine being the one to go the lenghts to give your love the engagement of their dreams only to find out that people in her life are saying things and upsetting her? Of course he's hurt and angry for what you've done. So you can add that to the list of accomplishments.
Now I have no interest in my wedding or what I'm doing, not even liking things I do tell you. Well, now I can't even be excited to look at stuff or plan for a wedding. I've even talked to Daniel about putting it on hold. It has nothing to do with him or my relationship! We're great! That's why I don't want to do this: I know I'll love him and be with him forever. I don't need to waste my time and money on a wedding that you are just going to judge, make sarcastic comments and hurtful jabs, and not help with right up to the very end so you can go and try to make the day about you and can sit together in the pews talking about how we won't last. So you won. You hurt me. What you did did effect me.
But you did ruin my dreams.
And I hate you for that. I am so angry at you.
And I will never forgive you for this.
Ever.
On another note, I'm trying to get a job, something that should be simple, because I'm moving by May. However all this anxiety that I don't know what to do with is making it so hard because I'm so scared to be around people. And with the pain all over my body and the stomach problems I'm scared I can't keep up for a whole day without my back giving and I'll fall. Or that my stomach will get upset. But I need money. So I have to get a job. This is a constant record in my head: "I'm scared to work. I have to get money. I'm too scared to people. I'm too scared to going broke. I'm too scared my body can't do it. I'm too scared I won't be able to get to Florida...." on and on.
And moving is scary. I'm going 16 hours away. I have to find a place to live, find a job, drive in this huge city. I'm from Fairmont. Orlando is BIG! And I'm scared to death. My support for Florida is even lower than the engagement. Actually I don't think people believed us, which is annoying. I'm not 5. I am, in fact, an adult who can make life decisions and I'm not just playing house. It's time to start treating me like the adult I am, respecting my opinions and what I say, and believeing me when I say things like "I am moving to Florida." But most are still in denial so they are just going to pretend like it's not going to happen and the month before I will be hit by this horrible back last of 'WE DON'T SUPPORT YOU!' and I will fill you with my fears and maybe you'll think because I'm sure you haven't don't that.
LOOK!: That shows how much you know me right there. Not like you really cared I've had anxiety problems my whole life, but you should know that I'm scared and that effecting my life. So DON'T try to scare me!! What the hell kind of love is that!? 'Oh you're terrifed? Well then did you think about this? Because I'll bet it would kill you! Did that scared' YES! Okay! You are scaring me! Happy!
But scaring me won't work this time. And everyone needs to understand this now because this really ties it all together right here. I am going to Florida. There is nothing to stop me now. I have NOTHING here. I have no one to turn to. I have no friends. I have no job prospects and no way to find out what I really want to do with my life because here there's nothing for me to try. And when I've tried to joins things and meet people and find things I love, it's always the same. People don't even look at me. No one says hi even. I've going to church things and sat by myself at places where everyone else talks about how nice the people are and when it came time ot shake hands they would shake over me, across me, look at me and go to the person they knew!
Every door in Fairmont has slammed shut on me. I've already stayed too long. I can feel that some completely. My time's up. I once heard that God will force doors closed so you have to open a new one and I believe that's what he's done. Because I am scared and had something been okay I probably would have stayed. But that's not the case and I only have one option left: leave.
And you're right: I'm scared to death. I don't know what I'm doing or have the first clue on what this is going to be like. I'm finally going to be hit by real life and I'm gong to be 16 hours away from anyone I know. Yea that's horrifing. And yes I would usually chicken out of something this scary with an excuse. But I have no where to turn. I don't have another place in the world that it feels right to go. Maybe that's what God's been trying to say to me. Because nothing feels right anymore, the only thing I know with any certanty is one word that comes to me with such comfort and assurance: Florida.
And what will I do down there? I'll finally found out who I am. I can't do that here. I don't know who I am because I lost me trying to please others. I have no one to please in Florida. And there away from all the judgement I'll find out what I'm really wanting, what God's tellng me to do. And when he does? I don't know, I'm pretty sure "loved" ones won't like it, but you see, it stops here. I'm done trying for you. I spent to much time and effort to make you happy and I got nothing from it. You're still not proud and I'm miserable. So you hate who I really am! Hate me! Because that means I finally did something right and real and true to who I am meant to be. And if you really love me? You'll love and support me. And if you don't? You won't be in my life. I don't care who you are. This is MY life, not yours. And after what happened when I got engaged and all that stuff happened, I took my life back. I get one and I'm not going to miss it because someone else doesn't prove. I've done a lot of great stuff and I have been a great person and I'm so sorry you can't see that. And now I'm going to be a strong person.
So go ahead and not support me and scare me to death. Because I am so trapped that even if I turn around to run screaming I still am going to be running to Florida! I have no where else to go! If you love me you'll put your personal feelings aside, grow up and be an adult and help me with making this big change. But to keep me here and keep me in misery and a life that I hate to make you "happy"? I can't. Not this time. Not ever again.
So by May I'll be gone. And I want to think things will be different...but I'm scared to hope. Because that hope, even if you don't realize it's there is what makes everything so much more painful. I've been keeping this all to myself. I sit at home alone and cry and I'll pull it together to help others. And no one knows but Daniel how badly I've been falling a part...and I didn't even tell him for a long time. I didn't tell any one because I didn't know where to turn...I still don't. I don't know if anymore will read this or at all read all of it....but I can't keep holding it in. I am so angry! I am so hurt and so heartbroken by all of this, and how no one cares. I never thought I'd be in love and feel so alone, I didn't know it was possible. But I guess it is and in the middle of big events coming up the silence can be maddening.
I always wanted people in my life who really support and love me and be there for me; and to think when happiness came my way people turned their backs on me is still something I can't even understand. I always wanted it, never dreamed I wouldn't have it. I still want it....
But if I have to pick up and walk away and take on the world by myself I will. But I won't support you. I can't do that and carry the weight of the world on my shoulder. I will go on with my life without support...
But I still wish I had it....
