I Wish You Knew. I Wish Anyone Knew.

My heart is heavy and my head is filled with thoughts that bring me to tears. I'm broken. Confused and broken. And I'm completely unsure how to proceed.

Florida was a nice break from my problem. Well, it didn't really go away. My anxiety shot through the roof and I had panic attacks daily. Twitches and symptoms that had long left my life had reappeared, such as throwing up and not being able to eat because I was so anxious; something that hasn't happened since high school. So I showed all the physical symptoms but I could ignore the core problem because it wasn't here. If I could give people advice it would be this: You can run away from your problems, but you can not hide. You can travel the world, but no matter where you are they will find you. If you don't resolve that which bothers you and lay it to rest, it will always be one step behind you.

That's the issue, I didn't solve anything. I didn't know how. I was so frustrated and confused, so I ran. But I didn't get away. And now I'm going back and I've realized I'm going back to everything that bothered me and nothing was fixed. It's all waiting for me there and now I have no other choice: I have to face it.

The problem is...I still don't know how.

I'm devastated and in so much pain. I have practiced smiling since I was in elementary school, so I'm the master of looking like I'm fine while I'm falling apart. I don't know how often I've been in crowds laughing and smiling, while having a panic attack; feeling my chest constrict and my mind race wondering how no one sees the fear in my eyes. There are pictures of me with friends on nights they remember as "a great time" and in the pictures you would think I was having fun too, hell even I believe it...but really I had been sinking into a sea of sadness and at some point had gone to the bathroom to break down. And no one ever knew.

I don't know how to talk to people. It seems like some people just always have the set up everything going just perfectly wrong to teach them not to do something. I never had people to talk too. I didn't really come from a family that did that. So often lately my Grandma has said: "Our family doesn't know how to talk. I never knew how to talk to my kids and I guess they don't know how to talk to you." So most things in my world were left unspoken. And when I was little, when I did try to open up, I always seemed to choose the wrong person. I remember one person, in junior high which was probably one of my worst depression periods, I tried to talk to a girl in my class and she turned to me and said "You're just never happy are you?"

I don't think I ever tried to open up to a friend again.

But through the years of solitude and trying to figure out why I felt this way and where it came from, I did start to understand it ever so slowly. And I now see a very big root to the problem. You see, the thing with looking for an answer is we think that when we find it, that it can be solved. And it's true...if it is in your control. And if it's not?

I'm a people pleaser. I do everything to make others happy, at the cost of my own happiness. And will never stand up for myself when offended. This is deep seeded and plaques me non-stop. The irony of it all as I see it, is that I am always nice and constantly are there for others and I am completely forgotten and have very few friends. Really worked out for me didn't it? But the knowledge that it's a failure has never helped me, because it runs deeper than all that. Because to me, have never please anyone. All my life now I can see myself, as a kid beating myself up for the stupidest mistakes, mistakes other kids wouldn't have even thought twice about and there I was thinking my eternal soul was on the line because of it. I tried so hard to do everything right, to make good grades, be in programs. But I never succeeded. It was never enough and honestly I don't think it ever will.

People don't realized how much they can effect another. A passing statement, a way they look at someone. Even the way they choose to live and behave, they have no idea how that will transfer to those close to them. It's so easy to get lost in pain, to wallow in it. Some people get completely lost in it. And I'm in so much pain for this person. So many times I've cried to Daniel asking how can someone choose that this life and those in it aren't worth trying for, aren't worth living for? How I'm not worth being happy for?

You see that's the thing, I can't fix another person. I can't do anything about how they choose to see the world or me and I can't change what they'll say to me.

But I can change how I let it effect me. But that doesn't make it that much harder, this extra hurdle. Because I'm angry, I'm angry someone chooses to look at the life they were blessed with and think it is nothing. I'm angry they can't be happy with what they have and appreciate opportunities given to them and loved ones. I'm devastated they won't give me enough to work with that we can be apart of each others life and that I can't fix anything between us because they think there is nothing to fix. I'm heartbroken they can't be happy for me, and they can't hear me begging them to listen to me so we can communicate.


And that's the problem. It's hurting me so bad. But I can't do anything about it, that part of it out of my hands. So someone how I have to let it go. God, how do I let it go? It hurts so much and I feel like such a failure, but the only way to stop hurting is taking what's out of my hands and letting go. The only thing I can fix is the pain inside me.

I have so much more I want to write. I want to pour out all my pain and memories that I don't want to hold anymore. I want to let it go, but at the same time it seems to impossible to do that. But somehow I have to release all this that I'm holding inside, because I'm the one it's hurting and it will always hold me back until I'm free from it.

"God give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference."

WIll You Stand Up And Walk Out On Me?

So we now know for sure that we are moving back to West Virginia and our last day here will be December 15th. I am excited about this because I think it's right for us. We don't regret coming down here. We learned a lot about who we are and what we like and want out of life and what we don't. We also had some great times. But for the most part the lifestyle and prices of things down here is just not what we want. So we are happy to be going back to a simpler life style and slower pace than all of this. We think it's more in the direction that we want to go for out future.

But I haven't told any of my friends. Actually besides my mom and grandma, I haven't told anybody. It the reason I can't bring myself to mention it is completely crazy to me but still it's holding my back. I'm afraid to be judged by others for leaving. It's nuts to feel that way! It's MY life! I'm the one living it! People my idolize another person's life, and it's stupid I feel like I'm letting them down if I leave. I'm the one working min. wage because there are no better jobs (and no hope for better jobs) barely scraping by to cover the bills let alone to do all the fun stuff around here. I shouldn't even think that people would care so much, but it's holding me back.

I'm also afraid of people feeling sorry for me. Or even worse, those certain people who will be happy that I'm moving back. I don't believe anyone is going to be believe or understand me when I say I believe it all happened for a reason and a purpose; Daniel and I both learned to love and appreciate the simpler things in life and other stuff that we always took for granted. We learned about ourselves and what we really wanted and more about what we really wanted to call home. That wouldn't have happened without the move. We never went into Florida saying forever. We planned on this being a stop along the way. True it may have been shorter than anticipated but that's because life had already taught us our lesson and it was time for us to move on to the next one.
And if you want more of a solid reason why we are okay with leaving it's money. We can't afford down here. That's what it comes down to more than anything. To stay here we would both have to work 2 min. wage jobs and that would just cover the basics of life. There is no better jobs for us down here, we're stuck and if we are just going to work all the time then we can go back to West Virginia where things are a bit cheaper and more affordable to do that. We have no help financially, it's just us and we just can't do it. And we have a wedding coming up. And it may be "just one day to some people", but it's MY special day! And when I started to falter, because there are things I like about here, I think to myself do I want to stay here and be broke or do I want to have the nice wedding I have been dreaming of and working towards making happen? Because I can't have both. If we stayed here, I'd have to give up so much for the wedding and I couldn't have a honeymoon at all. I don't want to start our life out like that! We want to better ourselves and we just can't make it happen down there.
So we aren't failures, as I'm sure some will see us as. This is what we want. But I'm scared of those people who will go "Awww, you had to come back! How sad!" And I don't want to hear that, real or fake sympathy, because there is nothing for us to feel bad about! I don't hate West Virginia. Daniel and I really like it to be honest. It's more us for a place to call a home. We want to be there. I always hated pity and I don't want to get that about this. But I know it's coming and it's another reason I don't want to tell people.



I'm not going back to the way everything always was. Daniel and I had talked about it and we still have plans to move forward. Finding better jobs, possibly furthering our education, having a home and getting involved in new activities. We had decided that there are things we will not go back to. There were people in my life that were downers. They were not good to have in my life. There are those who say they are my "friend" yet are constantly negative forces in my life. If you think we are friends but you never text me or write me or see how I'm doing in the entire time I've been down here you have taken no interest in my life and what I've been doing, don't expect me to be your friend when I come back. This is not an "I hate you! Don't talk to me!" thing. It's just the fact that if you aren't interested in my life and supporting me when I was down here and seeing how I was, then we aren't friends because that's what friends do. And if I can't have support from my friends, then it's not a friend. I need a good support group and I'm going to make that happen and to do it, I must rid myself of those who will not be there for me.

But for those who are my friends, I want them to know I'm coming back! I really hope that I can see people more when we are back up there and be more social! So I have to tell them because I want them to know. But I'm so scared they are going to be ashamed of me! Isn't that crazy? There is nothing to be ashamed about and yet this thought plaques me and makes me keep quiet about what's going on. Every thing I've been suffering with down here I've had no one to talk to because I felt like I had to keep it all to myself, and it's so miserable to feel like you have no one to turn to when you are in need. When stuff like this is going on you really want to the comfort and understanding of others. But I'm scared I will have none. And I'm scared when I go back my friends won't be interested in my anymore because I can't get them into Disney. Some part of me knows that this doesn't make since, but this is what has been going around and around in my head since we have planned to go back.

I am excited to go back. We have so many plans and I have such hope that things can finally get better, that I can't get the help I need to make it better. I just hope that I have friends who will be there for me.