My heart is heavy and my head is filled with thoughts that bring me to tears. I'm broken. Confused and broken. And I'm completely unsure how to proceed.
Florida was a nice break from my problem. Well, it didn't really go away. My anxiety shot through the roof and I had panic attacks daily. Twitches and symptoms that had long left my life had reappeared, such as throwing up and not being able to eat because I was so anxious; something that hasn't happened since high school. So I showed all the physical symptoms but I could ignore the core problem because it wasn't here. If I could give people advice it would be this: You can run away from your problems, but you can not hide. You can travel the world, but no matter where you are they will find you. If you don't resolve that which bothers you and lay it to rest, it will always be one step behind you.
That's the issue, I didn't solve anything. I didn't know how. I was so frustrated and confused, so I ran. But I didn't get away. And now I'm going back and I've realized I'm going back to everything that bothered me and nothing was fixed. It's all waiting for me there and now I have no other choice: I have to face it.
The problem is...I still don't know how.
I'm devastated and in so much pain. I have practiced smiling since I was in elementary school, so I'm the master of looking like I'm fine while I'm falling apart. I don't know how often I've been in crowds laughing and smiling, while having a panic attack; feeling my chest constrict and my mind race wondering how no one sees the fear in my eyes. There are pictures of me with friends on nights they remember as "a great time" and in the pictures you would think I was having fun too, hell even I believe it...but really I had been sinking into a sea of sadness and at some point had gone to the bathroom to break down. And no one ever knew.
I don't know how to talk to people. It seems like some people just always have the set up everything going just perfectly wrong to teach them not to do something. I never had people to talk too. I didn't really come from a family that did that. So often lately my Grandma has said: "Our family doesn't know how to talk. I never knew how to talk to my kids and I guess they don't know how to talk to you." So most things in my world were left unspoken. And when I was little, when I did try to open up, I always seemed to choose the wrong person. I remember one person, in junior high which was probably one of my worst depression periods, I tried to talk to a girl in my class and she turned to me and said "You're just never happy are you?"
I don't think I ever tried to open up to a friend again.
But through the years of solitude and trying to figure out why I felt this way and where it came from, I did start to understand it ever so slowly. And I now see a very big root to the problem. You see, the thing with looking for an answer is we think that when we find it, that it can be solved. And it's true...if it is in your control. And if it's not?
I'm a people pleaser. I do everything to make others happy, at the cost of my own happiness. And will never stand up for myself when offended. This is deep seeded and plaques me non-stop. The irony of it all as I see it, is that I am always nice and constantly are there for others and I am completely forgotten and have very few friends. Really worked out for me didn't it? But the knowledge that it's a failure has never helped me, because it runs deeper than all that. Because to me, have never please anyone. All my life now I can see myself, as a kid beating myself up for the stupidest mistakes, mistakes other kids wouldn't have even thought twice about and there I was thinking my eternal soul was on the line because of it. I tried so hard to do everything right, to make good grades, be in programs. But I never succeeded. It was never enough and honestly I don't think it ever will.
People don't realized how much they can effect another. A passing statement, a way they look at someone. Even the way they choose to live and behave, they have no idea how that will transfer to those close to them. It's so easy to get lost in pain, to wallow in it. Some people get completely lost in it. And I'm in so much pain for this person. So many times I've cried to Daniel asking how can someone choose that this life and those in it aren't worth trying for, aren't worth living for? How I'm not worth being happy for?
You see that's the thing, I can't fix another person. I can't do anything about how they choose to see the world or me and I can't change what they'll say to me.
But I can change how I let it effect me. But that doesn't make it that much harder, this extra hurdle. Because I'm angry, I'm angry someone chooses to look at the life they were blessed with and think it is nothing. I'm angry they can't be happy with what they have and appreciate opportunities given to them and loved ones. I'm devastated they won't give me enough to work with that we can be apart of each others life and that I can't fix anything between us because they think there is nothing to fix. I'm heartbroken they can't be happy for me, and they can't hear me begging them to listen to me so we can communicate.
And that's the problem. It's hurting me so bad. But I can't do anything about it, that part of it out of my hands. So someone how I have to let it go. God, how do I let it go? It hurts so much and I feel like such a failure, but the only way to stop hurting is taking what's out of my hands and letting go. The only thing I can fix is the pain inside me.
I have so much more I want to write. I want to pour out all my pain and memories that I don't want to hold anymore. I want to let it go, but at the same time it seems to impossible to do that. But somehow I have to release all this that I'm holding inside, because I'm the one it's hurting and it will always hold me back until I'm free from it.
"God
give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to
change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
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