So we are down to our final week in Florida and it's all so sudden it's very hard to take in. I am feeling many emotions at the present moment with lots of outside forces playing on it, leaving me confused on what my true feelings about the situation are.
It has been quite the ride and full of lessons. We always think when we take on a journey that it will be a long one before we come to answers and an end but I found out that it is not so. I feel so enlightened from my time here and have learned so much about myself during this journey. I had read something recently that said "To know what you want, you must first know what you do not want" and this has a certain brilliance to it. I think my experience has not been what I thought of as a journey of finding what I want, but rather finding what I do not want.
I came down here expecting to find myself and my place in life and everything would suddenly fit together perfectly. I tried very hard not to fall into the idea that this is a vacation as it always was before, but no matter hard you try it's hard to get out of that mentality where the area you live in is vacation central. But right where you were always happiest reality can punch you in the chest so fast and knock the air out of you before you even realize it's there, letting you see it for what it really is. Some people where they find themselves, that the situation is perfect for, and others....well for me it wasn't at all. Most of my fears were realized and enhanced, I found myself in situations where I never thought I would be in, and completely alone with no friends to talk to and help me through this thing called life.
So what I learned was what I didn't want. And Daniel and I both talked and realized we didn't want the same thing. We thought Florida had exactly what we wanted, but as time went on and the money dwindled till we had nothing left, nobody to talk to, and no hope for the wedding or our future, we realized Florida didn't have anything that we wanted.
We learned to appreciate so many small things we would never have realized we were taking for granted before. The feel of a breeze coming down a mountain on a hot summer day, giving you those blissful moments of sweet coolness. The changing leaves and seasons and curving roads. A wave from a person you let into traffic. When you go home you can just sit down, take a deep breath, and relax. We want a more simple life style. We want to come home to a quiet area where we can unwind.
We want our future children to have a yard to play in and a sense of community and be near our family. We wouldn't have known or realized any of this without this adventure.
It's obviously bittersweet, because of course there are things we are going to miss. We did have some great times and stories to take with us- life experience is something that we highly value and want to have to share with others. And we still love Florida for vacations! We still plan on visiting beaches and Disney World, we just realized we don't want to live by all of this.
But there is a part of me that's not sad, because we know this isn't right for us. We aren't happy here. We don't like Florida and there were experience we had here that were enough to make us throw up our hands and say "We're done! We don't want any part of this anymore!"
This may sound a little defensive, that I feel like I have to defend OUR life, OUR choice, what's best for US.
Well...it is.
I was worried to tell people, even friends, that's why I didn't. Honestly it was because I didn't want people to feel guilty for us, because we aren't coming back defeated; we're coming back enlightened. And I was worried about those who wanted to laugh in our face for the same reason, and I just didn't want to deal with them.
But when I did tell it, I did get one I didn't expect that has hurt me as much if not more that what I was worried about. I actually have people who are angry at me for our decision. I don't even know how to broach this subject because honestly I'm shocked by the whole idea. And of course I didn't hear it from the people themselves, (even though I do read people well and their actions even this far away and could already tell there was a difference in how they were treating me) but instead through others. Why would you not talk to me about it? To not even know what is going on with us or know why we are coming back and to be angry at us for doing what's best is just honestly shocking and hurtful. I knew there was some people in my life that would be glad I was coming back in their own sick way, I knew there was people that would pity me, but I never thought people I really trusted would turn on me and hurt me like this.
But on another note, I did have more people reach out and be excited for us and to see us again that I had expected and that was so wonderful! We have been so lonely and people I did talk to just kinda stopped being there so I didn't think I'd have anyone when I went back, but those who were excited for me and even said that we should be happy we went out and did it- that means so much to me to know there are people out there. And even people writing with concern and asking how we were doing, it's all so thoughtful and I am very excited to see my friends again, those who actually have been there through the whole journey and want to be in my life!
I guess those who just ignored me and don't want to support...well I guess it's time to let them go. Even though Daniel and I are going back, it's still a new point in life and still time for a change, and we're going to make it happen. I still don't know who I am or what God wants of me, I've been searching for this answer for so long and I still don't have an answer. I still have so many questions to answer and I know I have to keep looking for it. We're still growing, we're still learning from mistakes, and now it's time to start fixing that which needs fixed and I'm ready to take on this task and excited for the next adventure in life!
Where one path ends another one begins and I'm excited to see what come next on this journey!
No comments:
Post a Comment