So we now know for sure that we are moving back to West Virginia and our last day here will be December 15th. I am excited about this because I think it's right for us. We don't regret coming down here. We learned a lot about who we are and what we like and want out of life and what we don't. We also had some great times. But for the most part the lifestyle and prices of things down here is just not what we want. So we are happy to be going back to a simpler life style and slower pace than all of this. We think it's more in the direction that we want to go for out future.
But I haven't told any of my friends. Actually besides my mom and grandma, I haven't told anybody. It the reason I can't bring myself to mention it is completely crazy to me but still it's holding my back. I'm afraid to be judged by others for leaving. It's nuts to feel that way! It's MY life! I'm the one living it! People my idolize another person's life, and it's stupid I feel like I'm letting them down if I leave. I'm the one working min. wage because there are no better jobs (and no hope for better jobs) barely scraping by to cover the bills let alone to do all the fun stuff around here. I shouldn't even think that people would care so much, but it's holding me back.
I'm also afraid of people feeling sorry for me. Or even worse, those certain people who will be happy that I'm moving back. I don't believe anyone is going to be believe or understand me when I say I believe it all happened for a reason and a purpose; Daniel and I both learned to love and appreciate the simpler things in life and other stuff that we always took for granted. We learned about ourselves and what we really wanted and more about what we really wanted to call home. That wouldn't have happened without the move. We never went into Florida saying forever. We planned on this being a stop along the way. True it may have been shorter than anticipated but that's because life had already taught us our lesson and it was time for us to move on to the next one.
And if you want more of a solid reason why we are okay with leaving it's money. We can't afford down here. That's what it comes down to more than anything. To stay here we would both have to work 2 min. wage jobs and that would just cover the basics of life. There is no better jobs for us down here, we're stuck and if we are just going to work all the time then we can go back to West Virginia where things are a bit cheaper and more affordable to do that. We have no help financially, it's just us and we just can't do it. And we have a wedding coming up. And it may be "just one day to some people", but it's MY special day! And when I started to falter, because there are things I like about here, I think to myself do I want to stay here and be broke or do I want to have the nice wedding I have been dreaming of and working towards making happen? Because I can't have both. If we stayed here, I'd have to give up so much for the wedding and I couldn't have a honeymoon at all. I don't want to start our life out like that! We want to better ourselves and we just can't make it happen down there.
So we aren't failures, as I'm sure some will see us as. This is what we want. But I'm scared of those people who will go "Awww, you had to come back! How sad!" And I don't want to hear that, real or fake sympathy, because there is nothing for us to feel bad about! I don't hate West Virginia. Daniel and I really like it to be honest. It's more us for a place to call a home. We want to be there. I always hated pity and I don't want to get that about this. But I know it's coming and it's another reason I don't want to tell people.
I'm not going back to the way everything always was. Daniel and I had talked about it and we still have plans to move forward. Finding better jobs, possibly furthering our education, having a home and getting involved in new activities. We had decided that there are things we will not go back to. There were people in my life that were downers. They were not good to have in my life. There are those who say they are my "friend" yet are constantly negative forces in my life. If you think we are friends but you never text me or write me or see how I'm doing in the entire time I've been down here you have taken no interest in my life and what I've been doing, don't expect me to be your friend when I come back. This is not an "I hate you! Don't talk to me!" thing. It's just the fact that if you aren't interested in my life and supporting me when I was down here and seeing how I was, then we aren't friends because that's what friends do. And if I can't have support from my friends, then it's not a friend. I need a good support group and I'm going to make that happen and to do it, I must rid myself of those who will not be there for me.
But for those who are my friends, I want them to know I'm coming back! I really hope that I can see people more when we are back up there and be more social! So I have to tell them because I want them to know. But I'm so scared they are going to be ashamed of me! Isn't that crazy? There is nothing to be ashamed about and yet this thought plaques me and makes me keep quiet about what's going on. Every thing I've been suffering with down here I've had no one to talk to because I felt like I had to keep it all to myself, and it's so miserable to feel like you have no one to turn to when you are in need. When stuff like this is going on you really want to the comfort and understanding of others. But I'm scared I will have none. And I'm scared when I go back my friends won't be interested in my anymore because I can't get them into Disney. Some part of me knows that this doesn't make since, but this is what has been going around and around in my head since we have planned to go back.
I am excited to go back. We have so many plans and I have such hope that things can finally get better, that I can't get the help I need to make it better. I just hope that I have friends who will be there for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment