Well once again I find myself being confronted with negativity. I guess that's something you forget about with time, how something that in the moment effects you so deeply because as time goes on though the pain is still there, the dull throb can't remind you what it was like. People when they hear that you're being surrounded by negativity say "Just get away from it!" but it's not always that easy. What do they think you are giving up? Sometimes it's closer to home than all that.
Negativity has a deep impact on me. It eats at me and plaques me with doubts that I feel like I can't control. Some people are just negative. And do you know what negativity hates the most? A dreamer. Because dreamers aren't held down by logic, because they believe where negativity can not. Negativity wants to crush dreamers. Some people are born dreamers. I believe that. Why would God want us all to be the same? To all have the same lives, do the same things, and think the same? Doesn't sound like a very effect way to run things if you ask me. You need dreamers because they are the ones that see the future. They create. They bring things into existence that weren't before. But dreamers are seen by others as hopeless people with their heads up in the clouds with no idea what reality is like. No, we get it. But we see more. And that's great! Don't crush a dreamer! If you do you will never know what they would have been able to do, because you crush that and you crush who they are and everything about them.
I'm a dreamer and for a long time I have been getting crushed. And I feel hopeless. I don't know who I am because when I try to be I get pushed down. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore, I don't know if God even meant to put me on this Earth because I don't think I'm meant to do anything. I'm lost and confused and I don't see any answers in site.
Negative thinkers don't know how much they can destroy. They don't know how many lives the effect. I used to feel so guilty as a child for being sensitive about things. Like I was some shameful defect going through life all wrong. Now I know, I suffer from anxiety. It plaques my life and has since I was a child. It runs in my family. I don't need to be ashamed of this, I never did. I just need help with it, to learn how to control it. But because of that, I am very sensitive and those things people say can, and most of the time will, stay with me through out my entire life. Just that little "oh you did THAT!?" in the right tone of voice will throw me off and have me asking myself "what did I do wrong?" "why am I such a screw up?" Negativity destroys me.
But what do you do if you have no choice but to deal with it? How do you not let it eat you? How do you not let it take control and twist and turn your situation until you don't know who's eyes and mind are looking at the situation anymore or how you really feel? I'm such a people pleaser but I can't keep dropping this or that every time to make someone else happy while I remain miserable and completely untrue to myself. Especially when not a thing I've ever done has been enough. Because negative people aren't unhappy about you, not really. It's them. It's their life and nothing you ever do will be enough because you can't fix them. So you got to let it go.
But how do I feel better about this? How do I not let it take me away into a land of confusion and misery and make me feel so inadequate? How can I stand up for myself and say "I don't want to talk about this. Drop it." Or "Please don't say those things because they really hurt me." I know that's what I have to do, but I don't know how.
I just want to be happy. I don't want people to have the ability to take that from me anymore.
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