"Oh Lord, I'm Still Not Sure What I Stand For"

So we are down to our final week in Florida and it's all so sudden it's very hard to take in. I am feeling many emotions at the present moment with lots of outside forces playing on it, leaving me confused on what my true feelings about the situation are.

It has been quite the ride and full of lessons. We always think when we take on a journey that it will be a long one before we come to answers and an end but I found out that it is not so. I feel so enlightened from my time here and have learned so much about myself during this journey. I had read something recently that said "To know what you want, you must first know what you do not want" and this has a certain brilliance to it. I think my experience has not been what I thought of as a journey of finding what I want, but rather finding what I do not want.

I came down here expecting to find myself and my place in life and everything would suddenly fit together perfectly. I tried very hard not to fall into the idea that this is a vacation as it always was before, but no matter hard you try it's hard to get out of that mentality where the area you live in is vacation central. But right where you were always happiest reality can punch you in the chest so fast and knock the air out of you before you even realize it's there, letting you see it for what it really is. Some people where they find themselves, that the situation is perfect for, and others....well for me it wasn't at all. Most of my fears were realized and enhanced, I found myself in situations where I never thought I would be in, and completely alone with no friends to talk to and help me through this thing called life.

So what I learned was what I didn't want. And Daniel and I both talked and realized we didn't want the same thing. We thought Florida had exactly what we wanted, but as time went on and the money dwindled till we had nothing left, nobody to talk to, and no hope for the wedding or our future, we realized Florida didn't have anything that we wanted.

We learned to appreciate so many small things we would never have realized we were taking for granted before. The feel of a breeze coming down a mountain on a hot summer day, giving you those blissful moments of sweet coolness. The changing leaves and seasons and curving roads. A wave from a person you let into traffic. When you go home you can just sit down, take a deep breath, and relax. We want a more simple life style. We want to come home to a quiet area where we can unwind.
We want our future children to have a yard to play in and a sense of community and be near our family. We wouldn't have known or realized any of this without this adventure.

It's obviously bittersweet, because of course there are things we are going to miss. We did have some great times and stories to take with us- life experience is something that we highly value and want to have to share with others. And we still love Florida for vacations! We still plan on visiting beaches and Disney World, we just realized we don't want to live by all of this.

But there is a part of me that's not sad, because we know this isn't right for us. We aren't happy here. We don't like Florida and there were experience we had here that were enough to make us throw up our hands and say "We're done! We don't want any part of this anymore!"

This may sound a little defensive, that I feel like I have to defend OUR life, OUR choice, what's best for US.

Well...it is.

I was worried to tell people, even friends, that's why I didn't. Honestly it was because I didn't want people to feel guilty for us, because we aren't coming back defeated; we're coming back enlightened. And I was worried about those who wanted to laugh in our face for the same reason, and I just didn't want to deal with them.

But when I did tell it, I did get one I didn't expect that has hurt me as much if not more that what I was worried about. I actually have people who are angry at me for our decision. I don't even know how to broach this subject because honestly I'm shocked by the whole idea. And of course I didn't hear it from the people themselves, (even though I do read people well and their actions even this far away and could already tell there was a difference in how they were treating me) but instead through others. Why would you not talk to me about it? To not even know what is going on with us or know why we are coming back and to be angry at us for doing what's best is just honestly shocking and hurtful. I knew there was some people in my life that would be glad I was coming back in their own sick way, I knew there was people that would pity me, but I never thought people I really trusted would turn on me and hurt me like this.

But on another note, I did have more people reach out and be excited for us and to see us again that I had expected and that was so wonderful! We have been so lonely and people I did talk to just kinda stopped being there so I didn't think I'd have anyone when I went back, but those who were excited for me and even said that we should be happy we went out and did it- that means so much to me to know there are people out there. And even people writing with concern and asking how we were doing, it's all so thoughtful and I am very excited to see my friends again, those who actually have been there through the whole journey and want to be in my life!

I guess those who just ignored me and don't want to support...well I guess it's time to let them go. Even though Daniel and I are going back, it's still a new point in life and still time for a change, and we're going to make it happen. I still don't know who I am or what God wants of me, I've been searching for this answer for so long and I still don't have an answer. I still have so many questions to answer and I know I have to keep looking for it. We're still growing, we're still learning from mistakes, and now it's time to start fixing that which needs fixed and I'm ready to take on this task and excited for the next adventure in life!

Where one path ends another one begins and I'm excited to see what come next on this journey!

I Wish You Knew. I Wish Anyone Knew.

My heart is heavy and my head is filled with thoughts that bring me to tears. I'm broken. Confused and broken. And I'm completely unsure how to proceed.

Florida was a nice break from my problem. Well, it didn't really go away. My anxiety shot through the roof and I had panic attacks daily. Twitches and symptoms that had long left my life had reappeared, such as throwing up and not being able to eat because I was so anxious; something that hasn't happened since high school. So I showed all the physical symptoms but I could ignore the core problem because it wasn't here. If I could give people advice it would be this: You can run away from your problems, but you can not hide. You can travel the world, but no matter where you are they will find you. If you don't resolve that which bothers you and lay it to rest, it will always be one step behind you.

That's the issue, I didn't solve anything. I didn't know how. I was so frustrated and confused, so I ran. But I didn't get away. And now I'm going back and I've realized I'm going back to everything that bothered me and nothing was fixed. It's all waiting for me there and now I have no other choice: I have to face it.

The problem is...I still don't know how.

I'm devastated and in so much pain. I have practiced smiling since I was in elementary school, so I'm the master of looking like I'm fine while I'm falling apart. I don't know how often I've been in crowds laughing and smiling, while having a panic attack; feeling my chest constrict and my mind race wondering how no one sees the fear in my eyes. There are pictures of me with friends on nights they remember as "a great time" and in the pictures you would think I was having fun too, hell even I believe it...but really I had been sinking into a sea of sadness and at some point had gone to the bathroom to break down. And no one ever knew.

I don't know how to talk to people. It seems like some people just always have the set up everything going just perfectly wrong to teach them not to do something. I never had people to talk too. I didn't really come from a family that did that. So often lately my Grandma has said: "Our family doesn't know how to talk. I never knew how to talk to my kids and I guess they don't know how to talk to you." So most things in my world were left unspoken. And when I was little, when I did try to open up, I always seemed to choose the wrong person. I remember one person, in junior high which was probably one of my worst depression periods, I tried to talk to a girl in my class and she turned to me and said "You're just never happy are you?"

I don't think I ever tried to open up to a friend again.

But through the years of solitude and trying to figure out why I felt this way and where it came from, I did start to understand it ever so slowly. And I now see a very big root to the problem. You see, the thing with looking for an answer is we think that when we find it, that it can be solved. And it's true...if it is in your control. And if it's not?

I'm a people pleaser. I do everything to make others happy, at the cost of my own happiness. And will never stand up for myself when offended. This is deep seeded and plaques me non-stop. The irony of it all as I see it, is that I am always nice and constantly are there for others and I am completely forgotten and have very few friends. Really worked out for me didn't it? But the knowledge that it's a failure has never helped me, because it runs deeper than all that. Because to me, have never please anyone. All my life now I can see myself, as a kid beating myself up for the stupidest mistakes, mistakes other kids wouldn't have even thought twice about and there I was thinking my eternal soul was on the line because of it. I tried so hard to do everything right, to make good grades, be in programs. But I never succeeded. It was never enough and honestly I don't think it ever will.

People don't realized how much they can effect another. A passing statement, a way they look at someone. Even the way they choose to live and behave, they have no idea how that will transfer to those close to them. It's so easy to get lost in pain, to wallow in it. Some people get completely lost in it. And I'm in so much pain for this person. So many times I've cried to Daniel asking how can someone choose that this life and those in it aren't worth trying for, aren't worth living for? How I'm not worth being happy for?

You see that's the thing, I can't fix another person. I can't do anything about how they choose to see the world or me and I can't change what they'll say to me.

But I can change how I let it effect me. But that doesn't make it that much harder, this extra hurdle. Because I'm angry, I'm angry someone chooses to look at the life they were blessed with and think it is nothing. I'm angry they can't be happy with what they have and appreciate opportunities given to them and loved ones. I'm devastated they won't give me enough to work with that we can be apart of each others life and that I can't fix anything between us because they think there is nothing to fix. I'm heartbroken they can't be happy for me, and they can't hear me begging them to listen to me so we can communicate.


And that's the problem. It's hurting me so bad. But I can't do anything about it, that part of it out of my hands. So someone how I have to let it go. God, how do I let it go? It hurts so much and I feel like such a failure, but the only way to stop hurting is taking what's out of my hands and letting go. The only thing I can fix is the pain inside me.

I have so much more I want to write. I want to pour out all my pain and memories that I don't want to hold anymore. I want to let it go, but at the same time it seems to impossible to do that. But somehow I have to release all this that I'm holding inside, because I'm the one it's hurting and it will always hold me back until I'm free from it.

"God give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference."

WIll You Stand Up And Walk Out On Me?

So we now know for sure that we are moving back to West Virginia and our last day here will be December 15th. I am excited about this because I think it's right for us. We don't regret coming down here. We learned a lot about who we are and what we like and want out of life and what we don't. We also had some great times. But for the most part the lifestyle and prices of things down here is just not what we want. So we are happy to be going back to a simpler life style and slower pace than all of this. We think it's more in the direction that we want to go for out future.

But I haven't told any of my friends. Actually besides my mom and grandma, I haven't told anybody. It the reason I can't bring myself to mention it is completely crazy to me but still it's holding my back. I'm afraid to be judged by others for leaving. It's nuts to feel that way! It's MY life! I'm the one living it! People my idolize another person's life, and it's stupid I feel like I'm letting them down if I leave. I'm the one working min. wage because there are no better jobs (and no hope for better jobs) barely scraping by to cover the bills let alone to do all the fun stuff around here. I shouldn't even think that people would care so much, but it's holding me back.

I'm also afraid of people feeling sorry for me. Or even worse, those certain people who will be happy that I'm moving back. I don't believe anyone is going to be believe or understand me when I say I believe it all happened for a reason and a purpose; Daniel and I both learned to love and appreciate the simpler things in life and other stuff that we always took for granted. We learned about ourselves and what we really wanted and more about what we really wanted to call home. That wouldn't have happened without the move. We never went into Florida saying forever. We planned on this being a stop along the way. True it may have been shorter than anticipated but that's because life had already taught us our lesson and it was time for us to move on to the next one.
And if you want more of a solid reason why we are okay with leaving it's money. We can't afford down here. That's what it comes down to more than anything. To stay here we would both have to work 2 min. wage jobs and that would just cover the basics of life. There is no better jobs for us down here, we're stuck and if we are just going to work all the time then we can go back to West Virginia where things are a bit cheaper and more affordable to do that. We have no help financially, it's just us and we just can't do it. And we have a wedding coming up. And it may be "just one day to some people", but it's MY special day! And when I started to falter, because there are things I like about here, I think to myself do I want to stay here and be broke or do I want to have the nice wedding I have been dreaming of and working towards making happen? Because I can't have both. If we stayed here, I'd have to give up so much for the wedding and I couldn't have a honeymoon at all. I don't want to start our life out like that! We want to better ourselves and we just can't make it happen down there.
So we aren't failures, as I'm sure some will see us as. This is what we want. But I'm scared of those people who will go "Awww, you had to come back! How sad!" And I don't want to hear that, real or fake sympathy, because there is nothing for us to feel bad about! I don't hate West Virginia. Daniel and I really like it to be honest. It's more us for a place to call a home. We want to be there. I always hated pity and I don't want to get that about this. But I know it's coming and it's another reason I don't want to tell people.



I'm not going back to the way everything always was. Daniel and I had talked about it and we still have plans to move forward. Finding better jobs, possibly furthering our education, having a home and getting involved in new activities. We had decided that there are things we will not go back to. There were people in my life that were downers. They were not good to have in my life. There are those who say they are my "friend" yet are constantly negative forces in my life. If you think we are friends but you never text me or write me or see how I'm doing in the entire time I've been down here you have taken no interest in my life and what I've been doing, don't expect me to be your friend when I come back. This is not an "I hate you! Don't talk to me!" thing. It's just the fact that if you aren't interested in my life and supporting me when I was down here and seeing how I was, then we aren't friends because that's what friends do. And if I can't have support from my friends, then it's not a friend. I need a good support group and I'm going to make that happen and to do it, I must rid myself of those who will not be there for me.

But for those who are my friends, I want them to know I'm coming back! I really hope that I can see people more when we are back up there and be more social! So I have to tell them because I want them to know. But I'm so scared they are going to be ashamed of me! Isn't that crazy? There is nothing to be ashamed about and yet this thought plaques me and makes me keep quiet about what's going on. Every thing I've been suffering with down here I've had no one to talk to because I felt like I had to keep it all to myself, and it's so miserable to feel like you have no one to turn to when you are in need. When stuff like this is going on you really want to the comfort and understanding of others. But I'm scared I will have none. And I'm scared when I go back my friends won't be interested in my anymore because I can't get them into Disney. Some part of me knows that this doesn't make since, but this is what has been going around and around in my head since we have planned to go back.

I am excited to go back. We have so many plans and I have such hope that things can finally get better, that I can't get the help I need to make it better. I just hope that I have friends who will be there for me.

Negativity, Negativity Everywhere and Not a Positive Drop To Drink

Well once again I find myself being confronted with negativity. I guess that's something you forget about with time, how something that in the moment effects you so deeply because as time goes on though the pain is still there, the dull throb can't remind you what it was like. People when they hear that you're being surrounded by negativity say "Just get away from it!" but it's not always that easy. What do they think you are giving up? Sometimes it's closer to home than all that.

Negativity has a deep impact on me. It eats at me and plaques me with doubts that I feel like I can't control. Some people are just negative. And do you know what negativity hates the most? A dreamer. Because dreamers aren't held down by logic, because they believe where negativity can not. Negativity wants to crush dreamers. Some people are born dreamers. I believe that. Why would God want us all to be the same? To all have the same lives, do the same things, and think the same? Doesn't sound like a very effect way to run things if you ask me. You need dreamers because they are the ones that see the future. They create. They bring things into existence that weren't before. But dreamers are seen by others as hopeless people with their heads up in the clouds with no idea what reality is like. No, we get it. But we see more. And that's great! Don't crush a dreamer! If you do you will never know what they would have been able to do, because you crush that and you crush who they are and everything about them.

I'm a dreamer and for a long time I have been getting crushed. And I feel hopeless. I don't know who I am because when I try to be I get pushed down. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore, I don't know if God even meant to put me on this Earth because I don't think I'm meant to do anything. I'm lost and confused and I don't see any answers in site.

Negative thinkers don't know how much they can destroy. They don't know how many lives the effect. I used to feel so guilty as a child for being sensitive about things. Like I was some shameful defect going through life all wrong. Now I know, I suffer from anxiety. It plaques my life and has since I was a child. It runs in my family. I don't need to be ashamed of this, I never did. I just need help with it, to learn how to control it. But because of that, I am very sensitive and those things people say can, and most of the time will, stay with me through out my entire life. Just that little "oh you did THAT!?" in the right tone of voice will throw me off and have me asking myself "what did I do wrong?" "why am I such a screw up?" Negativity destroys me.

But what do you do if you have no choice but to deal with it? How do you not let it eat you? How do you not let it take control and twist and turn your situation until you don't know who's eyes and mind are looking at the situation anymore or how you really feel? I'm such a people pleaser but I can't keep dropping this or that every time to make someone else happy while I remain miserable and completely untrue to myself. Especially when not a thing I've ever done has been enough. Because negative people aren't unhappy about you, not really. It's them. It's their life and nothing you ever do will be enough because you can't fix them. So you got to let it go.

But how do I feel better about this? How do I not let it take me away into a land of confusion and misery and make me feel so inadequate? How can I stand up for myself and say "I don't want to talk about this. Drop it." Or "Please don't say those things because they really hurt me." I know that's what I have to do, but I don't know how.

I just want to be happy. I don't want people to have the ability to take that from me anymore.

How I Love Those West Virginia Hills

Is this premature? Probably. But my heart has been heavy with so many thoughts and secrets lately I had to spill them somewhere.
I'm miserable. I hate Florida. Well that's not really true. I don't hate Florida. I love it for vacation! There are lots of great things to do and see...but it's expensive. And it's one thing when you are on vacation and you have saved up to spend that. But when you live down here? I've been to Disney and only because we worked there and got discounts. But I have gone to no other parks because they are unaffordable. Even with a Floridian discount it's 80, 90, 100 dollars a ticket! And we're broke. I'm going into the red. Min. wage is more but with bills and the price of things you lose it quicker than you make it. Right now I don't even know how I can pay for a wedding! Let alone trips to get back up there to plan things. And honeymoon? Forget it.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. I hated West Virginia. I felt mistreated and like I didn't fit in anywhere and so alone like I didn't have a friend in the world. I thought all I wanted was an ocean and I didn't care for the mountains and the trees. The small town, all that was familiar, same events and fairs over and over again. I was sick of it!

And I was completely wrong.

I think I was meant to move. Daniel and I never said we wanted to stay in Florida forever. I say this because I feel some people will laugh at us and say we failed. No, we never said this was forever. We just felt we needed to go. And I think it was a learning lesson. We learned we love to travel. There are so many places we love and we want to see! And I still love the ocean; I'm a Pisces and will always have a need for water! But love of a place on vacation and living there are two different things.

 I came down here and was at first enthralled by the palm trees right in my back yard and that ocean breeze. And then as time went on and seasons changed, or rather didn't change, it was a still hot and no leaves changed colors. I began to long for curvy back roads with trees on both sides with their beautiful leaves changing colors and their smell in the air as the autumn chill nipping at my nose and cheeks. And God I never thought I'd miss mountains so much in my life.

 I learned I love to visit fast pace and exciting worlds with all their flash, but I want to go home to my home in the hills where things are familiar. I miss it all so much it hurts. I see all the festivals that are going on, the craft shows, the get togethers. Every time I wish I could be there! And I thought I was alone before, we have made no friends here. I haven't hung out with anyone in three months. And we have no one to ask. We are completely alone without a soul in the world but just ourselves. That's lonely. I mean there are all kinds of places to go out and hang at night...but why when it's just us? I miss my bridesmaids and all my others friends and going out to Applebee's or Mi Pueblos! 

No we didn't make a mistake coming down here. We can still tell our friends and future children stories of our time in Florida (and where else the world may take us in the future) and we can say "Yes we went out and took chances and we lived." And that's a very important thing to me, to get to say in the end "I lived." And I know I can make that happen, even if it was for a short time, but it was enough time. It was exactly the time we needed for our life lesson that we now know without a doubt.

I'm a West Virginian.

I'm not a Floridian. I'll never be a Floridian. And where else I may go in life I'll never be them either. I was born and raised a West Virginian and now and forever I will always be a West Virginian. I'm proud of my state. I love my state. I love my mountains and my autumn leaves and my snow in the winter and spring flowers and hot summers at Blackwater Falls! I love rolling pastures attached to houses out in the country where children and dogs can run and play. I love the yearly fairs and festivals and I love being at them. I love that something more simple than all of this. And that mountain breeze. I can't wait to feel that mountain breeze again!

I'm a West Virginian and I want to go home!

"Come by the hills to the land where life is a song
And stand where the birds fill the air with their joy all day long
Where the trees sway in time and even the wind sings in tune
And the cares of tomorrow can wait till this day is done." <3

There's a Land of Rolling Mountains....

Well it's been a couple of months and life is settling into a pattern down here for us. I have to say when I first move I was blissful and free. I didn't suffer from home sickness, I didn't think I had anything to miss. July passed and I didn't miss it. August came and went. And now we are here in September and the first stabbing pains of home sickness have really set in.
When you grow up in a small town, things can get "old and boring." Everything becomes familiar and you want something new and exciting so bad! That's how it was for me in those last few years. I felt so stuck. Now here I am in Florida and I realize everything I had to miss. I miss a cool mountain breeze warning me that summer is almost gone and soon the chill and colors of fall will set in. I miss the smell of a fire burning and people around it laughing and having a good time. I miss hometown Mom and Pop stores. I miss spaghetti at Muriales and ice cream at Dairy Creme Corner and bad karaoke at Mom's and white chocolate cheesecake from Poky Dot. I miss familiar faces. I miss Mountaineer and Steelers Football. I miss Morgantown and all the festivals around those areas. I miss the Renn Faire in PA. And something I thought I would never say, though for me there is nothing like a palm tree against a bright blue sky swaying in the ocean breeze, I really do miss those mountains.
Being this far away from all your family and friends is really hard. It's like you really starting out on this journey of life on your own because there is no one to turn too. I honestly didn't think the distance would bother me, but it has. There's so much I wish I could share with people and I can't. I guess it's just a truth to big moves: it's going to be hard. It's not that easy to leave all that you knew behind. So many things are going on up there now or will soon that I loved and wanted to be a part of and I can't and I'm so sad about it. It just feels like I'll never feel this way about Florida. I'll never be a Floridian. I know that for sure now. No matter where I go, I'll always be a West Virginian. I have learned since I have moved down here that, starting with that old saying, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I really hoped to meet people when I moved. I felt like I couldn't do that before and I was hoping that would change. Well here's a truth we have learned about Florida: the people here suck. Now the people on vacation are pretty nice. The Floridians, well if you can even communicate with them good luck finding much else in common besides a language. Everyone speaks Spanish. you go shopping and the cashier can't communicate with you because they can barely speak to you so God help you if you have a question. We were at a store once where the worker (which by the way, down here is some of the worst costumer service you will ever experience) had Daniel run back to get her the product number on an item. Not the price, a freaking product number and she wasn't going to be doing any moving to do anything! That would actually be work! People down here are more outspoken, but once you deal with enough lazy workers you can't talk to you understand why! Daniel ran into someone at a gas station the other day who was down here from New Jersey and they were having car trouble and no one would help them. We didn't have money but Daniel gave him some advice to help him out and the man said "Thank you! You are the first nice person we've meet down here!" Daniel responded with "We're from West Virginia."
Another thing about being down here is everything is more expensive. Not by a lot, but even a little more adds up. I feel like we can't go out and do anything because EVERYTHING costs so much money! A sit down meal will run you at least $30. And fast food is $20. You like to go out to clubs? Drink are $9 each. And that's the cheapest unless they are having a deal that night (and no they are no bigger or better than something you'd get in a club in Mo-town). I have taken to thrift store shopping and eating in more than ever because it's just to expensive to do anything else! There is so much to do down here and I can't afford any of it because I'm too busy trying to make sure we have the basics!
There are pluses to living down here too. I do love being near water and having that warm summer breeze is so nice. The weather has actually helped with both Daniel and my physical pain. I do have more opportunities to join and be a part of things down here (though finding out about it and where it is is a blast). I like being near things instead of having to go 30 minutes to get to a mall.
It's just a whole other world down here. I'm just a small town girl and all this is so big! And I thought I always wanted that but now I'm not so sure. It could just be all the home sickness talking. Maybe when it goes away and I'm settled into a job, maybe then I'll see things different. But right now everything just seems so huge and unmanageable, I just wish there was something familiar around to make me feel better.

I'd Rather Be Nine People's Favorite Thing.

I started this blog at 6:45 a.m. This is what my brain does: I have a thought and then no matter how tired I may be I must rise and write. So here you are. Welcome to the inner workings of Andie's Brain.

My title today is from a song from a musical. It is really a musical about writing a musical and this song is about a show. The line goes "I'd rather be 9 people's favorite thing, than a 100 people's 9th favorite thing." Every time I hear this it reinforces something inside of me so I take this song on a much personal level.  You see, my whole life I have been "weird". I never fit in because I was very shy and quiet. Really it turns out that most of my life I've suffered from an anxiety disorder and didn't know it. Anxiety runs in the family, both sides have it, and I've been dealing with it since elementary school. I was scared and I didn't know how to talk to people or what to say. I was so afraid I just didn't, and of course dealing with that and not knowing what it was was upsetting. I've always been emotional but with no way to know how to deal with it. So obviously put all that together, and to someone on the outside who has no idea about anxiety and all of that I just look like a weird duck. So I was never "popular". I can't really say I aspired to be that though. I always just wanted to friends, good friends that I could put my trust in. But of course we often spend time wishing we had more friends in the high school years. By the time I got to college I just wanted friends. I have always searched for them. I have to say, in all honesty, I had better times in high school than I did in college. They often said "If you hate high school, you'll love college." Well, I had my ups and downs like all high schoolers, but my senior year was awesome! I left loving high school and I ended up hating college. That never got better, in fact it got worse and worse. I went anxiety disorder, to depression. Try 16+ hours of school, working, and doing a musical when every morning you can't stop crying and can't think of one blessed reason why you should get out of bed. That was a living Hell. And doing it on your own was the worst. Ok, correction, I did have Daniel. And I swear I probably would have never gotten up if he wasn't there. After that the stress started to take a toll on my body. I think the pain that I have been experiencing, is literally my body breaking under the pressure of all the anxiety and sadness I was caring. College was the worst for me. And during a time when you are dealing with all of that, I only made a couple friends
But once I graduated and was able to heal from some of the things that happened and see more clearly my perception starts to change. In the moment, when you see big groups of people that all seem to be friends laughing and sharing, you're jealous. At least I always was. I wanted to be apart of that so bad. I wanted connection with others, but I never knew how to get it. I mean we watch these shows, "The Golden Girls" and "F.R.I.E.N.D.S." and it makes you wonder "Is there really nothing like that out there? That this is all fake and I will never share and be this open with friends like this?" I've never experienced it but I still can't believe that really not out there. So I'd watch these groups thinking they had it and hurting and wishing I could be a part of it. But time goes on, and we can start to see other things. These same groups that I thought had these great relationships with so many, the next thing I know a person would leave the circle and everyone was talking about them! Not one person would have their back. They were mocked, put down. And I don't understand that. Okay, I know people the get on my nerves, we've all said something. But to call them my friends and do that? No. I guess I'm just a little too honest for that behavior. If I do not like you as a person, you are not my friends. I have had people who were my friends that as we grew and changed, or some cases didn't change, and they became another person entirely that was not likeable, no they weren't my friends then. I won't hang around people I don't like, but that seemed to be what the big group did. And I didn't like it. I felt like I suddenly saw these relationships that we're great so long as you didn't turn your back on them because they would and did stab it the minute you did.
And it's not just about friends. I'm going to take the leap here and say sometimes family doesn't have your back either. Blood may be thicker than water, but that really means that fighting your way upstream in a river of blood is that much harder. And sometimes, though family may be doing something they think is best or may have their own more selfish reasons, sometimes you really can't agree with them. Sometimes you can't stop living your life because they don't agree. I have realized family doesn't mean they'll be there or that they'll support you, it doesn't always even mean they will love you. It sometimes means you're related; and that's all.
I realized both the things about friends and family in my life were true in some cases at the same time, and I want to say there is nothing more miserable than the feeling of loneliness that accompanies that thought. You family doesn't support you? Call your friends. You don't have any? Then it's all yours, all that pain. And the sadness is like a tidal wave that starts deep in your hearts and grows bigger and is getting ready to swallow you up in all that devastation. If you ever find yourself in a world where you feel this alone and that waves threatens, the only advice I have is don't let it. If you go down with it, it's going to take a lot of time to get to the surface. It's hard to keep standing in the waves, when they are constant and strong, surging at you but when you keep your feet even if the wind has been knocked out of you, you always feel stronger. And that's what you get to do, just keep standing until the waves calm down and you are a stronger person and you can take on the next thing that life is going to throw at you.
But from all this I had learned something, and this is why I love this song. Because after seeing so many unfriendly faces wearing the mask of friendship I realized I would rather have 9 people in my life that thought the world of me, 9 people that when they saw me said "Now there is a great person! That's my friend!", 9 people- be them friends, lovers, family- that could not live without me. I'd rather have unconditional love and trust from 9 people, than be surrounded by bunches of people who don't care much about me at all. Who will not be there when I fall or won't even notice even if I'm standing right their in front of them. I don't want to that. I don't want fair-weathered friends and loved ones.  And it's hard in this world to remember that sometimes, because you see the big groups and you want to be that person they are all looking at and laughing at their jokes. But this song reminds me that I'd rather have just those couple people who love my jokes and that there isn't any distance between us, just complete trust.
It reminds me I'm not wrong about never giving up who I am to make others happy. That's another big part of this song, this idea of not selling out. Johnny Depp had a great story about this exact thing when he was on "Inside the Actor's Studio and I'm putting the link right here so you can see it because the way he puts it is perfect:

There comes a point in your life when you can't try to please others anymore. You grow up trying to make others happy and when it doesn't work you just got to stop, shrug, and be who you are. And once I started just being me, I knew who my real friends were. And that's what I want. I want those people who love me for every bad pun I make and every good and bad day I have and every dream I pursue. They are the real deal.
This video of Johnny Depp and the song reminds me to never give that up, never comprise who I am because there is nothing wrong with me and I should love and respect myself for that because it's a brave thing to decide to be yourself in this world and to not give that up for anyone. It's a brave decision and when made it's a great one as well.
I don't know if I could say I even have 9 people right now, I've always been a lonely sort; anxiety can make you antisocial like that and I still struggle with it. Sometimes it is because I'm afraid to talk to people, sometimes I just don't want to talk to people. But I know I have a couple that have been there and will be there. I should take the opportunity to open up to these people more often, because there is one more catch to the idea of finding those friends you can share with: you can't stand in your own way and be the reason you aren't talking to people. I do that a lot because I think they won't want to hear from me or won't care, or they will tell me to shut up, you know all those anxious reasons. Chances are, if they are my real friends, they won't so I should give them a chance sometime. But I do have a few good friends and I have a love that beyond words. To have found someone I can share life with like I have with Daniel and  have so much love pouring over you is so wonderful and I think for that alone I'm beyond lucky because some will never know this love and some don't even believe in it. I'm so profoundly grateful to have this love. So I may not have 9 people right now, but I'm still young and have a long life ahead of me and I'm excited to see who my 9 people end up being. <3