"Oh Lord, I'm Still Not Sure What I Stand For"

So we are down to our final week in Florida and it's all so sudden it's very hard to take in. I am feeling many emotions at the present moment with lots of outside forces playing on it, leaving me confused on what my true feelings about the situation are.

It has been quite the ride and full of lessons. We always think when we take on a journey that it will be a long one before we come to answers and an end but I found out that it is not so. I feel so enlightened from my time here and have learned so much about myself during this journey. I had read something recently that said "To know what you want, you must first know what you do not want" and this has a certain brilliance to it. I think my experience has not been what I thought of as a journey of finding what I want, but rather finding what I do not want.

I came down here expecting to find myself and my place in life and everything would suddenly fit together perfectly. I tried very hard not to fall into the idea that this is a vacation as it always was before, but no matter hard you try it's hard to get out of that mentality where the area you live in is vacation central. But right where you were always happiest reality can punch you in the chest so fast and knock the air out of you before you even realize it's there, letting you see it for what it really is. Some people where they find themselves, that the situation is perfect for, and others....well for me it wasn't at all. Most of my fears were realized and enhanced, I found myself in situations where I never thought I would be in, and completely alone with no friends to talk to and help me through this thing called life.

So what I learned was what I didn't want. And Daniel and I both talked and realized we didn't want the same thing. We thought Florida had exactly what we wanted, but as time went on and the money dwindled till we had nothing left, nobody to talk to, and no hope for the wedding or our future, we realized Florida didn't have anything that we wanted.

We learned to appreciate so many small things we would never have realized we were taking for granted before. The feel of a breeze coming down a mountain on a hot summer day, giving you those blissful moments of sweet coolness. The changing leaves and seasons and curving roads. A wave from a person you let into traffic. When you go home you can just sit down, take a deep breath, and relax. We want a more simple life style. We want to come home to a quiet area where we can unwind.
We want our future children to have a yard to play in and a sense of community and be near our family. We wouldn't have known or realized any of this without this adventure.

It's obviously bittersweet, because of course there are things we are going to miss. We did have some great times and stories to take with us- life experience is something that we highly value and want to have to share with others. And we still love Florida for vacations! We still plan on visiting beaches and Disney World, we just realized we don't want to live by all of this.

But there is a part of me that's not sad, because we know this isn't right for us. We aren't happy here. We don't like Florida and there were experience we had here that were enough to make us throw up our hands and say "We're done! We don't want any part of this anymore!"

This may sound a little defensive, that I feel like I have to defend OUR life, OUR choice, what's best for US.

Well...it is.

I was worried to tell people, even friends, that's why I didn't. Honestly it was because I didn't want people to feel guilty for us, because we aren't coming back defeated; we're coming back enlightened. And I was worried about those who wanted to laugh in our face for the same reason, and I just didn't want to deal with them.

But when I did tell it, I did get one I didn't expect that has hurt me as much if not more that what I was worried about. I actually have people who are angry at me for our decision. I don't even know how to broach this subject because honestly I'm shocked by the whole idea. And of course I didn't hear it from the people themselves, (even though I do read people well and their actions even this far away and could already tell there was a difference in how they were treating me) but instead through others. Why would you not talk to me about it? To not even know what is going on with us or know why we are coming back and to be angry at us for doing what's best is just honestly shocking and hurtful. I knew there was some people in my life that would be glad I was coming back in their own sick way, I knew there was people that would pity me, but I never thought people I really trusted would turn on me and hurt me like this.

But on another note, I did have more people reach out and be excited for us and to see us again that I had expected and that was so wonderful! We have been so lonely and people I did talk to just kinda stopped being there so I didn't think I'd have anyone when I went back, but those who were excited for me and even said that we should be happy we went out and did it- that means so much to me to know there are people out there. And even people writing with concern and asking how we were doing, it's all so thoughtful and I am very excited to see my friends again, those who actually have been there through the whole journey and want to be in my life!

I guess those who just ignored me and don't want to support...well I guess it's time to let them go. Even though Daniel and I are going back, it's still a new point in life and still time for a change, and we're going to make it happen. I still don't know who I am or what God wants of me, I've been searching for this answer for so long and I still don't have an answer. I still have so many questions to answer and I know I have to keep looking for it. We're still growing, we're still learning from mistakes, and now it's time to start fixing that which needs fixed and I'm ready to take on this task and excited for the next adventure in life!

Where one path ends another one begins and I'm excited to see what come next on this journey!

I Wish You Knew. I Wish Anyone Knew.

My heart is heavy and my head is filled with thoughts that bring me to tears. I'm broken. Confused and broken. And I'm completely unsure how to proceed.

Florida was a nice break from my problem. Well, it didn't really go away. My anxiety shot through the roof and I had panic attacks daily. Twitches and symptoms that had long left my life had reappeared, such as throwing up and not being able to eat because I was so anxious; something that hasn't happened since high school. So I showed all the physical symptoms but I could ignore the core problem because it wasn't here. If I could give people advice it would be this: You can run away from your problems, but you can not hide. You can travel the world, but no matter where you are they will find you. If you don't resolve that which bothers you and lay it to rest, it will always be one step behind you.

That's the issue, I didn't solve anything. I didn't know how. I was so frustrated and confused, so I ran. But I didn't get away. And now I'm going back and I've realized I'm going back to everything that bothered me and nothing was fixed. It's all waiting for me there and now I have no other choice: I have to face it.

The problem is...I still don't know how.

I'm devastated and in so much pain. I have practiced smiling since I was in elementary school, so I'm the master of looking like I'm fine while I'm falling apart. I don't know how often I've been in crowds laughing and smiling, while having a panic attack; feeling my chest constrict and my mind race wondering how no one sees the fear in my eyes. There are pictures of me with friends on nights they remember as "a great time" and in the pictures you would think I was having fun too, hell even I believe it...but really I had been sinking into a sea of sadness and at some point had gone to the bathroom to break down. And no one ever knew.

I don't know how to talk to people. It seems like some people just always have the set up everything going just perfectly wrong to teach them not to do something. I never had people to talk too. I didn't really come from a family that did that. So often lately my Grandma has said: "Our family doesn't know how to talk. I never knew how to talk to my kids and I guess they don't know how to talk to you." So most things in my world were left unspoken. And when I was little, when I did try to open up, I always seemed to choose the wrong person. I remember one person, in junior high which was probably one of my worst depression periods, I tried to talk to a girl in my class and she turned to me and said "You're just never happy are you?"

I don't think I ever tried to open up to a friend again.

But through the years of solitude and trying to figure out why I felt this way and where it came from, I did start to understand it ever so slowly. And I now see a very big root to the problem. You see, the thing with looking for an answer is we think that when we find it, that it can be solved. And it's true...if it is in your control. And if it's not?

I'm a people pleaser. I do everything to make others happy, at the cost of my own happiness. And will never stand up for myself when offended. This is deep seeded and plaques me non-stop. The irony of it all as I see it, is that I am always nice and constantly are there for others and I am completely forgotten and have very few friends. Really worked out for me didn't it? But the knowledge that it's a failure has never helped me, because it runs deeper than all that. Because to me, have never please anyone. All my life now I can see myself, as a kid beating myself up for the stupidest mistakes, mistakes other kids wouldn't have even thought twice about and there I was thinking my eternal soul was on the line because of it. I tried so hard to do everything right, to make good grades, be in programs. But I never succeeded. It was never enough and honestly I don't think it ever will.

People don't realized how much they can effect another. A passing statement, a way they look at someone. Even the way they choose to live and behave, they have no idea how that will transfer to those close to them. It's so easy to get lost in pain, to wallow in it. Some people get completely lost in it. And I'm in so much pain for this person. So many times I've cried to Daniel asking how can someone choose that this life and those in it aren't worth trying for, aren't worth living for? How I'm not worth being happy for?

You see that's the thing, I can't fix another person. I can't do anything about how they choose to see the world or me and I can't change what they'll say to me.

But I can change how I let it effect me. But that doesn't make it that much harder, this extra hurdle. Because I'm angry, I'm angry someone chooses to look at the life they were blessed with and think it is nothing. I'm angry they can't be happy with what they have and appreciate opportunities given to them and loved ones. I'm devastated they won't give me enough to work with that we can be apart of each others life and that I can't fix anything between us because they think there is nothing to fix. I'm heartbroken they can't be happy for me, and they can't hear me begging them to listen to me so we can communicate.


And that's the problem. It's hurting me so bad. But I can't do anything about it, that part of it out of my hands. So someone how I have to let it go. God, how do I let it go? It hurts so much and I feel like such a failure, but the only way to stop hurting is taking what's out of my hands and letting go. The only thing I can fix is the pain inside me.

I have so much more I want to write. I want to pour out all my pain and memories that I don't want to hold anymore. I want to let it go, but at the same time it seems to impossible to do that. But somehow I have to release all this that I'm holding inside, because I'm the one it's hurting and it will always hold me back until I'm free from it.

"God give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference."

WIll You Stand Up And Walk Out On Me?

So we now know for sure that we are moving back to West Virginia and our last day here will be December 15th. I am excited about this because I think it's right for us. We don't regret coming down here. We learned a lot about who we are and what we like and want out of life and what we don't. We also had some great times. But for the most part the lifestyle and prices of things down here is just not what we want. So we are happy to be going back to a simpler life style and slower pace than all of this. We think it's more in the direction that we want to go for out future.

But I haven't told any of my friends. Actually besides my mom and grandma, I haven't told anybody. It the reason I can't bring myself to mention it is completely crazy to me but still it's holding my back. I'm afraid to be judged by others for leaving. It's nuts to feel that way! It's MY life! I'm the one living it! People my idolize another person's life, and it's stupid I feel like I'm letting them down if I leave. I'm the one working min. wage because there are no better jobs (and no hope for better jobs) barely scraping by to cover the bills let alone to do all the fun stuff around here. I shouldn't even think that people would care so much, but it's holding me back.

I'm also afraid of people feeling sorry for me. Or even worse, those certain people who will be happy that I'm moving back. I don't believe anyone is going to be believe or understand me when I say I believe it all happened for a reason and a purpose; Daniel and I both learned to love and appreciate the simpler things in life and other stuff that we always took for granted. We learned about ourselves and what we really wanted and more about what we really wanted to call home. That wouldn't have happened without the move. We never went into Florida saying forever. We planned on this being a stop along the way. True it may have been shorter than anticipated but that's because life had already taught us our lesson and it was time for us to move on to the next one.
And if you want more of a solid reason why we are okay with leaving it's money. We can't afford down here. That's what it comes down to more than anything. To stay here we would both have to work 2 min. wage jobs and that would just cover the basics of life. There is no better jobs for us down here, we're stuck and if we are just going to work all the time then we can go back to West Virginia where things are a bit cheaper and more affordable to do that. We have no help financially, it's just us and we just can't do it. And we have a wedding coming up. And it may be "just one day to some people", but it's MY special day! And when I started to falter, because there are things I like about here, I think to myself do I want to stay here and be broke or do I want to have the nice wedding I have been dreaming of and working towards making happen? Because I can't have both. If we stayed here, I'd have to give up so much for the wedding and I couldn't have a honeymoon at all. I don't want to start our life out like that! We want to better ourselves and we just can't make it happen down there.
So we aren't failures, as I'm sure some will see us as. This is what we want. But I'm scared of those people who will go "Awww, you had to come back! How sad!" And I don't want to hear that, real or fake sympathy, because there is nothing for us to feel bad about! I don't hate West Virginia. Daniel and I really like it to be honest. It's more us for a place to call a home. We want to be there. I always hated pity and I don't want to get that about this. But I know it's coming and it's another reason I don't want to tell people.



I'm not going back to the way everything always was. Daniel and I had talked about it and we still have plans to move forward. Finding better jobs, possibly furthering our education, having a home and getting involved in new activities. We had decided that there are things we will not go back to. There were people in my life that were downers. They were not good to have in my life. There are those who say they are my "friend" yet are constantly negative forces in my life. If you think we are friends but you never text me or write me or see how I'm doing in the entire time I've been down here you have taken no interest in my life and what I've been doing, don't expect me to be your friend when I come back. This is not an "I hate you! Don't talk to me!" thing. It's just the fact that if you aren't interested in my life and supporting me when I was down here and seeing how I was, then we aren't friends because that's what friends do. And if I can't have support from my friends, then it's not a friend. I need a good support group and I'm going to make that happen and to do it, I must rid myself of those who will not be there for me.

But for those who are my friends, I want them to know I'm coming back! I really hope that I can see people more when we are back up there and be more social! So I have to tell them because I want them to know. But I'm so scared they are going to be ashamed of me! Isn't that crazy? There is nothing to be ashamed about and yet this thought plaques me and makes me keep quiet about what's going on. Every thing I've been suffering with down here I've had no one to talk to because I felt like I had to keep it all to myself, and it's so miserable to feel like you have no one to turn to when you are in need. When stuff like this is going on you really want to the comfort and understanding of others. But I'm scared I will have none. And I'm scared when I go back my friends won't be interested in my anymore because I can't get them into Disney. Some part of me knows that this doesn't make since, but this is what has been going around and around in my head since we have planned to go back.

I am excited to go back. We have so many plans and I have such hope that things can finally get better, that I can't get the help I need to make it better. I just hope that I have friends who will be there for me.

Negativity, Negativity Everywhere and Not a Positive Drop To Drink

Well once again I find myself being confronted with negativity. I guess that's something you forget about with time, how something that in the moment effects you so deeply because as time goes on though the pain is still there, the dull throb can't remind you what it was like. People when they hear that you're being surrounded by negativity say "Just get away from it!" but it's not always that easy. What do they think you are giving up? Sometimes it's closer to home than all that.

Negativity has a deep impact on me. It eats at me and plaques me with doubts that I feel like I can't control. Some people are just negative. And do you know what negativity hates the most? A dreamer. Because dreamers aren't held down by logic, because they believe where negativity can not. Negativity wants to crush dreamers. Some people are born dreamers. I believe that. Why would God want us all to be the same? To all have the same lives, do the same things, and think the same? Doesn't sound like a very effect way to run things if you ask me. You need dreamers because they are the ones that see the future. They create. They bring things into existence that weren't before. But dreamers are seen by others as hopeless people with their heads up in the clouds with no idea what reality is like. No, we get it. But we see more. And that's great! Don't crush a dreamer! If you do you will never know what they would have been able to do, because you crush that and you crush who they are and everything about them.

I'm a dreamer and for a long time I have been getting crushed. And I feel hopeless. I don't know who I am because when I try to be I get pushed down. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore, I don't know if God even meant to put me on this Earth because I don't think I'm meant to do anything. I'm lost and confused and I don't see any answers in site.

Negative thinkers don't know how much they can destroy. They don't know how many lives the effect. I used to feel so guilty as a child for being sensitive about things. Like I was some shameful defect going through life all wrong. Now I know, I suffer from anxiety. It plaques my life and has since I was a child. It runs in my family. I don't need to be ashamed of this, I never did. I just need help with it, to learn how to control it. But because of that, I am very sensitive and those things people say can, and most of the time will, stay with me through out my entire life. Just that little "oh you did THAT!?" in the right tone of voice will throw me off and have me asking myself "what did I do wrong?" "why am I such a screw up?" Negativity destroys me.

But what do you do if you have no choice but to deal with it? How do you not let it eat you? How do you not let it take control and twist and turn your situation until you don't know who's eyes and mind are looking at the situation anymore or how you really feel? I'm such a people pleaser but I can't keep dropping this or that every time to make someone else happy while I remain miserable and completely untrue to myself. Especially when not a thing I've ever done has been enough. Because negative people aren't unhappy about you, not really. It's them. It's their life and nothing you ever do will be enough because you can't fix them. So you got to let it go.

But how do I feel better about this? How do I not let it take me away into a land of confusion and misery and make me feel so inadequate? How can I stand up for myself and say "I don't want to talk about this. Drop it." Or "Please don't say those things because they really hurt me." I know that's what I have to do, but I don't know how.

I just want to be happy. I don't want people to have the ability to take that from me anymore.

How I Love Those West Virginia Hills

Is this premature? Probably. But my heart has been heavy with so many thoughts and secrets lately I had to spill them somewhere.
I'm miserable. I hate Florida. Well that's not really true. I don't hate Florida. I love it for vacation! There are lots of great things to do and see...but it's expensive. And it's one thing when you are on vacation and you have saved up to spend that. But when you live down here? I've been to Disney and only because we worked there and got discounts. But I have gone to no other parks because they are unaffordable. Even with a Floridian discount it's 80, 90, 100 dollars a ticket! And we're broke. I'm going into the red. Min. wage is more but with bills and the price of things you lose it quicker than you make it. Right now I don't even know how I can pay for a wedding! Let alone trips to get back up there to plan things. And honeymoon? Forget it.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. I hated West Virginia. I felt mistreated and like I didn't fit in anywhere and so alone like I didn't have a friend in the world. I thought all I wanted was an ocean and I didn't care for the mountains and the trees. The small town, all that was familiar, same events and fairs over and over again. I was sick of it!

And I was completely wrong.

I think I was meant to move. Daniel and I never said we wanted to stay in Florida forever. I say this because I feel some people will laugh at us and say we failed. No, we never said this was forever. We just felt we needed to go. And I think it was a learning lesson. We learned we love to travel. There are so many places we love and we want to see! And I still love the ocean; I'm a Pisces and will always have a need for water! But love of a place on vacation and living there are two different things.

 I came down here and was at first enthralled by the palm trees right in my back yard and that ocean breeze. And then as time went on and seasons changed, or rather didn't change, it was a still hot and no leaves changed colors. I began to long for curvy back roads with trees on both sides with their beautiful leaves changing colors and their smell in the air as the autumn chill nipping at my nose and cheeks. And God I never thought I'd miss mountains so much in my life.

 I learned I love to visit fast pace and exciting worlds with all their flash, but I want to go home to my home in the hills where things are familiar. I miss it all so much it hurts. I see all the festivals that are going on, the craft shows, the get togethers. Every time I wish I could be there! And I thought I was alone before, we have made no friends here. I haven't hung out with anyone in three months. And we have no one to ask. We are completely alone without a soul in the world but just ourselves. That's lonely. I mean there are all kinds of places to go out and hang at night...but why when it's just us? I miss my bridesmaids and all my others friends and going out to Applebee's or Mi Pueblos! 

No we didn't make a mistake coming down here. We can still tell our friends and future children stories of our time in Florida (and where else the world may take us in the future) and we can say "Yes we went out and took chances and we lived." And that's a very important thing to me, to get to say in the end "I lived." And I know I can make that happen, even if it was for a short time, but it was enough time. It was exactly the time we needed for our life lesson that we now know without a doubt.

I'm a West Virginian.

I'm not a Floridian. I'll never be a Floridian. And where else I may go in life I'll never be them either. I was born and raised a West Virginian and now and forever I will always be a West Virginian. I'm proud of my state. I love my state. I love my mountains and my autumn leaves and my snow in the winter and spring flowers and hot summers at Blackwater Falls! I love rolling pastures attached to houses out in the country where children and dogs can run and play. I love the yearly fairs and festivals and I love being at them. I love that something more simple than all of this. And that mountain breeze. I can't wait to feel that mountain breeze again!

I'm a West Virginian and I want to go home!

"Come by the hills to the land where life is a song
And stand where the birds fill the air with their joy all day long
Where the trees sway in time and even the wind sings in tune
And the cares of tomorrow can wait till this day is done." <3

There's a Land of Rolling Mountains....

Well it's been a couple of months and life is settling into a pattern down here for us. I have to say when I first move I was blissful and free. I didn't suffer from home sickness, I didn't think I had anything to miss. July passed and I didn't miss it. August came and went. And now we are here in September and the first stabbing pains of home sickness have really set in.
When you grow up in a small town, things can get "old and boring." Everything becomes familiar and you want something new and exciting so bad! That's how it was for me in those last few years. I felt so stuck. Now here I am in Florida and I realize everything I had to miss. I miss a cool mountain breeze warning me that summer is almost gone and soon the chill and colors of fall will set in. I miss the smell of a fire burning and people around it laughing and having a good time. I miss hometown Mom and Pop stores. I miss spaghetti at Muriales and ice cream at Dairy Creme Corner and bad karaoke at Mom's and white chocolate cheesecake from Poky Dot. I miss familiar faces. I miss Mountaineer and Steelers Football. I miss Morgantown and all the festivals around those areas. I miss the Renn Faire in PA. And something I thought I would never say, though for me there is nothing like a palm tree against a bright blue sky swaying in the ocean breeze, I really do miss those mountains.
Being this far away from all your family and friends is really hard. It's like you really starting out on this journey of life on your own because there is no one to turn too. I honestly didn't think the distance would bother me, but it has. There's so much I wish I could share with people and I can't. I guess it's just a truth to big moves: it's going to be hard. It's not that easy to leave all that you knew behind. So many things are going on up there now or will soon that I loved and wanted to be a part of and I can't and I'm so sad about it. It just feels like I'll never feel this way about Florida. I'll never be a Floridian. I know that for sure now. No matter where I go, I'll always be a West Virginian. I have learned since I have moved down here that, starting with that old saying, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I really hoped to meet people when I moved. I felt like I couldn't do that before and I was hoping that would change. Well here's a truth we have learned about Florida: the people here suck. Now the people on vacation are pretty nice. The Floridians, well if you can even communicate with them good luck finding much else in common besides a language. Everyone speaks Spanish. you go shopping and the cashier can't communicate with you because they can barely speak to you so God help you if you have a question. We were at a store once where the worker (which by the way, down here is some of the worst costumer service you will ever experience) had Daniel run back to get her the product number on an item. Not the price, a freaking product number and she wasn't going to be doing any moving to do anything! That would actually be work! People down here are more outspoken, but once you deal with enough lazy workers you can't talk to you understand why! Daniel ran into someone at a gas station the other day who was down here from New Jersey and they were having car trouble and no one would help them. We didn't have money but Daniel gave him some advice to help him out and the man said "Thank you! You are the first nice person we've meet down here!" Daniel responded with "We're from West Virginia."
Another thing about being down here is everything is more expensive. Not by a lot, but even a little more adds up. I feel like we can't go out and do anything because EVERYTHING costs so much money! A sit down meal will run you at least $30. And fast food is $20. You like to go out to clubs? Drink are $9 each. And that's the cheapest unless they are having a deal that night (and no they are no bigger or better than something you'd get in a club in Mo-town). I have taken to thrift store shopping and eating in more than ever because it's just to expensive to do anything else! There is so much to do down here and I can't afford any of it because I'm too busy trying to make sure we have the basics!
There are pluses to living down here too. I do love being near water and having that warm summer breeze is so nice. The weather has actually helped with both Daniel and my physical pain. I do have more opportunities to join and be a part of things down here (though finding out about it and where it is is a blast). I like being near things instead of having to go 30 minutes to get to a mall.
It's just a whole other world down here. I'm just a small town girl and all this is so big! And I thought I always wanted that but now I'm not so sure. It could just be all the home sickness talking. Maybe when it goes away and I'm settled into a job, maybe then I'll see things different. But right now everything just seems so huge and unmanageable, I just wish there was something familiar around to make me feel better.

I'd Rather Be Nine People's Favorite Thing.

I started this blog at 6:45 a.m. This is what my brain does: I have a thought and then no matter how tired I may be I must rise and write. So here you are. Welcome to the inner workings of Andie's Brain.

My title today is from a song from a musical. It is really a musical about writing a musical and this song is about a show. The line goes "I'd rather be 9 people's favorite thing, than a 100 people's 9th favorite thing." Every time I hear this it reinforces something inside of me so I take this song on a much personal level.  You see, my whole life I have been "weird". I never fit in because I was very shy and quiet. Really it turns out that most of my life I've suffered from an anxiety disorder and didn't know it. Anxiety runs in the family, both sides have it, and I've been dealing with it since elementary school. I was scared and I didn't know how to talk to people or what to say. I was so afraid I just didn't, and of course dealing with that and not knowing what it was was upsetting. I've always been emotional but with no way to know how to deal with it. So obviously put all that together, and to someone on the outside who has no idea about anxiety and all of that I just look like a weird duck. So I was never "popular". I can't really say I aspired to be that though. I always just wanted to friends, good friends that I could put my trust in. But of course we often spend time wishing we had more friends in the high school years. By the time I got to college I just wanted friends. I have always searched for them. I have to say, in all honesty, I had better times in high school than I did in college. They often said "If you hate high school, you'll love college." Well, I had my ups and downs like all high schoolers, but my senior year was awesome! I left loving high school and I ended up hating college. That never got better, in fact it got worse and worse. I went anxiety disorder, to depression. Try 16+ hours of school, working, and doing a musical when every morning you can't stop crying and can't think of one blessed reason why you should get out of bed. That was a living Hell. And doing it on your own was the worst. Ok, correction, I did have Daniel. And I swear I probably would have never gotten up if he wasn't there. After that the stress started to take a toll on my body. I think the pain that I have been experiencing, is literally my body breaking under the pressure of all the anxiety and sadness I was caring. College was the worst for me. And during a time when you are dealing with all of that, I only made a couple friends
But once I graduated and was able to heal from some of the things that happened and see more clearly my perception starts to change. In the moment, when you see big groups of people that all seem to be friends laughing and sharing, you're jealous. At least I always was. I wanted to be apart of that so bad. I wanted connection with others, but I never knew how to get it. I mean we watch these shows, "The Golden Girls" and "F.R.I.E.N.D.S." and it makes you wonder "Is there really nothing like that out there? That this is all fake and I will never share and be this open with friends like this?" I've never experienced it but I still can't believe that really not out there. So I'd watch these groups thinking they had it and hurting and wishing I could be a part of it. But time goes on, and we can start to see other things. These same groups that I thought had these great relationships with so many, the next thing I know a person would leave the circle and everyone was talking about them! Not one person would have their back. They were mocked, put down. And I don't understand that. Okay, I know people the get on my nerves, we've all said something. But to call them my friends and do that? No. I guess I'm just a little too honest for that behavior. If I do not like you as a person, you are not my friends. I have had people who were my friends that as we grew and changed, or some cases didn't change, and they became another person entirely that was not likeable, no they weren't my friends then. I won't hang around people I don't like, but that seemed to be what the big group did. And I didn't like it. I felt like I suddenly saw these relationships that we're great so long as you didn't turn your back on them because they would and did stab it the minute you did.
And it's not just about friends. I'm going to take the leap here and say sometimes family doesn't have your back either. Blood may be thicker than water, but that really means that fighting your way upstream in a river of blood is that much harder. And sometimes, though family may be doing something they think is best or may have their own more selfish reasons, sometimes you really can't agree with them. Sometimes you can't stop living your life because they don't agree. I have realized family doesn't mean they'll be there or that they'll support you, it doesn't always even mean they will love you. It sometimes means you're related; and that's all.
I realized both the things about friends and family in my life were true in some cases at the same time, and I want to say there is nothing more miserable than the feeling of loneliness that accompanies that thought. You family doesn't support you? Call your friends. You don't have any? Then it's all yours, all that pain. And the sadness is like a tidal wave that starts deep in your hearts and grows bigger and is getting ready to swallow you up in all that devastation. If you ever find yourself in a world where you feel this alone and that waves threatens, the only advice I have is don't let it. If you go down with it, it's going to take a lot of time to get to the surface. It's hard to keep standing in the waves, when they are constant and strong, surging at you but when you keep your feet even if the wind has been knocked out of you, you always feel stronger. And that's what you get to do, just keep standing until the waves calm down and you are a stronger person and you can take on the next thing that life is going to throw at you.
But from all this I had learned something, and this is why I love this song. Because after seeing so many unfriendly faces wearing the mask of friendship I realized I would rather have 9 people in my life that thought the world of me, 9 people that when they saw me said "Now there is a great person! That's my friend!", 9 people- be them friends, lovers, family- that could not live without me. I'd rather have unconditional love and trust from 9 people, than be surrounded by bunches of people who don't care much about me at all. Who will not be there when I fall or won't even notice even if I'm standing right their in front of them. I don't want to that. I don't want fair-weathered friends and loved ones.  And it's hard in this world to remember that sometimes, because you see the big groups and you want to be that person they are all looking at and laughing at their jokes. But this song reminds me that I'd rather have just those couple people who love my jokes and that there isn't any distance between us, just complete trust.
It reminds me I'm not wrong about never giving up who I am to make others happy. That's another big part of this song, this idea of not selling out. Johnny Depp had a great story about this exact thing when he was on "Inside the Actor's Studio and I'm putting the link right here so you can see it because the way he puts it is perfect:

There comes a point in your life when you can't try to please others anymore. You grow up trying to make others happy and when it doesn't work you just got to stop, shrug, and be who you are. And once I started just being me, I knew who my real friends were. And that's what I want. I want those people who love me for every bad pun I make and every good and bad day I have and every dream I pursue. They are the real deal.
This video of Johnny Depp and the song reminds me to never give that up, never comprise who I am because there is nothing wrong with me and I should love and respect myself for that because it's a brave thing to decide to be yourself in this world and to not give that up for anyone. It's a brave decision and when made it's a great one as well.
I don't know if I could say I even have 9 people right now, I've always been a lonely sort; anxiety can make you antisocial like that and I still struggle with it. Sometimes it is because I'm afraid to talk to people, sometimes I just don't want to talk to people. But I know I have a couple that have been there and will be there. I should take the opportunity to open up to these people more often, because there is one more catch to the idea of finding those friends you can share with: you can't stand in your own way and be the reason you aren't talking to people. I do that a lot because I think they won't want to hear from me or won't care, or they will tell me to shut up, you know all those anxious reasons. Chances are, if they are my real friends, they won't so I should give them a chance sometime. But I do have a few good friends and I have a love that beyond words. To have found someone I can share life with like I have with Daniel and  have so much love pouring over you is so wonderful and I think for that alone I'm beyond lucky because some will never know this love and some don't even believe in it. I'm so profoundly grateful to have this love. So I may not have 9 people right now, but I'm still young and have a long life ahead of me and I'm excited to see who my 9 people end up being. <3

Can a Person be Changed?

It has now been over 2 years since Daniel and I started dating and we were best friends before that. When I first met him he was dark, always wearing Gothic clothing and fangs and the like. In school he would often do or say something weird and unusual. He wasn't happy. I think I barely heard him laugh and almost never did I see a real smile. But there was still something about him that was attractive to me. He wasn't like everyone else. He stood out. And I guess I would have to admit when we first became friends it was probably the Pisces in me. I have a tendency to befriend those who need help and often that leads to unsatisfying friendships because they are one sided but that wasn't the case with Daniel. He listened to me! I can honestly say never in my whole life have I had someone that I could open up to like that, even to this day. He barely knew me and I could go crying to him and he really listened. Well once you find someone to talk to and listens, well it's pretty much instant connection from that point. But as I said I couldn't say that it would seem we had much common ground at the time. But the truth was we did. We had a lot in common and lots to talk about, it just seemed some of the big stuff that was drastically different but that never mattered much to us.

Now, over 2 years later, here I am in Florida (with someone who used to say he hated heat and loved the cold) with a man who said he needs "light colored clothes for his birthday" (who before wouldn't barely wear anything but black) and is going to be working for and absolutely loves Disney! I have been a big Disney fan for awhile, and he liked it but it wasn't his thing. But now he talks about Disney, he wants to go to Disney, and in the last couple of weeks he has started to wonder through the Men's section in Downtown Disney and wants shirts with Mickey Mouse on them (if you knew this guy, you would understand what a turn around this is). When he got the job he bounced around the house like a 5 year old and every time he would think of another thing he would get to do, cover his mouth with a big surprised face like he couldn't believe it was happen to him! He laughs, real laughing and he smiles all the time.

Now from someone who seemed to hate the world and himself to loving Disney is a big turn around. The boy I first met in college is almost completely gone. This made wonder: Can you change a man?
There is a lot about who Daniel is now that are very qualities of me and that made me wonder if I did change? I wasn't really comfortable with the idea because I never was really for it. Why change the person you love? If I didn't like something that much would I really love them? I didn't want to be the cause of a big change in a person. I didn't want to seem like that person. But I started thinking about it and I don't think that's quiet the case.

Am I the same person I was 2 years ago? No. Not at all. Things have happened. Some really hard things, tough decisions and rough times. But through all the bad that happened with others and situations, Daniel was there and I have laughed more and loved life like I never have before. I have become happier. I have learned how to really laugh. Some may be confused by that idea, what it is to really laugh, but when you are out in public and something strikes you funny and you let out a laugh uninhibited by how it should sound or am I too loud, and people look shocked by the sound of it; you'll know you've really laughed. And don't take their shocked looks as a sign you need to stop, it's just that most people don't really laugh and the sound is always strange to them, but it will feel so good you couldn't care less. That's the thing since I've been with Daniel, the rest of the world could fall away. I didn't need to meet their standards. I didn't need to hang out with them to "be cool". I didn't need any of that as long as I had his arms to hold me through the darkness and his smile to share in the light. So I went from a girl who was cynical, hard, and closed down to one who has open and finally see the joy in life and finding herself. That's when I realized I changed too.

So the question is: Can a person be changed? The answer is yes but not the way it is thought to go. Neither of us ever purposely changed the other, it just happened. That's when I realized the true answer to this question. You can't find someone and hope the things you don't like about them will change or that you can change it. You have to love everything about them completely, for every good and bad part of their personality and being. And they have to love you in this way as well. And as you grow in your love, they change and you change, until you are one being growing together to become the perfect compliment to the other. Neither of us just changed the other, we changed by caring about the others likes and dislikes and wanting to share in experiences with them. It's mutual, it's a journey and you go on it together. And when you get to, let's say, 2 years later and you look to see how far you have both come and how things have changed and how happy you are, well it's a really cool feeling that I hope everyone gets to have. And I hope we continue to have them and I can't wait to see how we will grow together in the future.

“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

Title quote by  Albert Camus

Well, I am 5 days away from starting my life in Florida! It's a lot of stress and because of it I have been thinking about a lot of things. I have moved out of my apartment and staying a week with my mother until we move. This process has had a lot of ups and downs.

You would think that leaving the place you have lived your entire life would be emotional. But when it feels like a place is done with you and you equally done with it it seems to make it much easier. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't have it's moments. Actually the one that really got me was last week and of all things it was Muriales. I was sitting at home thinking about what I wanted to eat and I thought about the spaghetti at Muriales. It's my favorite and it's the only place where I'll eat the spaghetti when I go out! And at the thought of not having this place anywhere near me and who knows when I could eat this again, it was the first time I felt the tugs of home sickness and how big this really is. It's pretty hard when you have that moment and you have no one to talk to about it because everyone around will feed it and tell you to stay. The lack of support of...any decision I've made lately has made this move really hard, but I've kept fighting through and going to make a change so hopefully this will lead to something good.

And to be honest lately with the stress of the move I have been feeling really down. I have been busy moving so I haven't really been hanging around people and that's when I starting thinking ("A dangerous past time." "I know!").  I always end up blaming myself for everything, and I thought that was helping to make me a more mature person. I'm not blaming others, I'm taking the blame so that's good right? Well, I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong, I have no intentions on starting to blame others because that doesn't really solve the problems, but I do realize now that not everything is my fault.

For instance, for those who have read my blog before they know that I have always had issues with feeling isolated and left out and wondered what I do wrong in the friendships? That is had to be me! Sometimes God sends you little signs to help you get answers, and I think that is just what happened yesterday. I was just looking around on the internet and I found information on Pisces and how sensitive they are. So I looked further into it and found so much information that sounds like me and one of the things I found was about how Pisces often will be drawn to people with problems and take them on as they own and this will often end up really hurting them (because the often feel things very deeply). This is very true for me! A few years ago was the first time I really noticed it. It started when I noticed that people just seemed to come up to me and spill their problems to me. Just start talking about personal stuff when they have never spoken to me before! I don't really know why they did it, maybe it's because I'm so quiet and seemed like I'd be a good listener or because I have big eyes and a sensitive look that makes them feel like I'm someone who will be there. Either way they weren't wrong, I would take it on instantly and because people's "best friend" very quickly. Then I found I would go to the outcasts and become friends with them, as if taking them on. And all these people really are wonderful people who deserve great things and happiness!

So what is the problem with this? Well I would listen to them, and I would be there. I'd make them laugh, I'd pick them up. If they wanted to hang out I'd be there and I'd have fun! But it's that friendship is a two way street. And I didn't really get friends....I became the psychologist. All those people who instantly saw me as their best friend? They're gone now. Either they just sort of disappeared or they got angry at me the first time I said 'no' or did something for myself instead. And the worst was when I needed something they weren't there for me. How could they be? When a friendship is about someone picking you up when you can't stand on your own, if they fall you can't help them. 

That's where the problem came in and that's what my readings of yesterday made me realize. I used to feel terrible when people would get angry and throw me away because I said 'I didn't feel like it.' about going somewhere. It would tear me apart when I was there for people and when I felt broken was so alone and not one of those people were around! But that should have been the clue right? Friends can say no and that's okay, just as long as more often you are there. I realized I held a lot of one way friendships. I tried so hard to be there for these people because I thought that is what would make me friends, giving and supporting and that I'd get that in return. I still believe that's true in the right groups, but I was doing something else that was conflicting with this. It's also a Pisces thing to be full of self-doubt and hold ones-self back. That's exactly that I was doing. I told myself I wasn't worth anything. Since I was a child I would let myself talk to people because everyone else listened to pop music and I listened to classic rock. I had one person tell me I was weird for that and so for years I would talk because I thought "Well I won't have anything in common with them anyway. They'll just think I'm weird if I open my mouth and speak." I outcasted myself. How many great people out there did I never get to know because I thought I was weird? And I bet a lot of them would have liked classic rock too (actually as I got older I found out guys really liked that in a girl)! And how many times did I stop myself from a chance at would have could have been great friendship because I belittled myself?

I realized that if I want this to chance, I have to stop treating myself like this. In truth I do know I'm very talented. I am a great singer, pretty darn good at crafts. I am caring and fun and love to have a great time with people! I have to stop telling myself no before I try. Go ahead and look stupid in front of a couple people, I'll grow from that anyway. I'm sure that more often than making a fool of myself I'll actually show people the person I really am and will really get to meet people.

In Florida I'm only going to know a couple people and I am glad that I saw this and really I think it's a sign that I saw this when I did, because this is my answer to "what am I doing wrong?" that I have asked for years. No I'm not being a bad friend, and I am a nice person. I just have to open up to more people and show that and not let myself become "the psychologist".  Thank you God, for this answer and for the others you have been showing me. I still have a lot to discover (who doesn't?) but I'm searching and finding what I need and now I just need to act on it. Nothing changes with just the knowledge, it's about the next step. And that step is coming in just a few days! I hope God will give me the strength to do what I have to do next!

Life is scary but I'm ready to face it head on!

Chin Up Girl, This Feeling Only Lasts Forever.......

I heard sounds in the kitchen so I ran to the couch which is where I am now. I'm really hungry but I'm too scared to move, so I figured my best bet would be to write a blog as I can consider that semi productive...Okay. Not really. But I'm full of emotions and I need something to do with them.

You know how on the last episode of a tv series they often show the main character looking back at the set which has been stripped to it's bare bones, just the walls, maybe a couple pieces of furniture. And it's almost always silent, nothing happening but looking back. That's how I'm feeling right now before my move. I've felt for a long time Fairmont and most of the people here had slammed the door on me, but now it's my turn to close the final door and walk away. I'm still surrounded by stuff but I can see the bare bones starting to show up. I haven't been bothering with friends much lately. Let's be honest, I've never really felt like I had any or that I was ever wanted around. So I've just been staying at home and doing stuff around the house. The odd part was I didn't want anyone around. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't even want to talk to people. I guess it's because when I would go to parties around here, I was just putting on a fake smile and laughing when I needed too, looking sad when I needed to, and just wishing they'd shut up about all the mundane drama in their lives that doesn't matter. I don't want to fake it anymore. Every time I'm about to go in a situation where I have to put on that fake smile I just want to break down and cry. I'm so tired to pretending for everyone else, when no one cares about me. I'm so tired of making them happy, when I'm always alone with no one there. So I've stayed home and I have gotten a lot done around the house, which is useful in the long run.

I mean what's the point anymore really? I'm moving to Florida. And while the choice to go there isn't to run away, there is a running away quality to it. I want to start over and I feel like I can't here. Not that there is anything to start over for. I want to go where I can meet new people, experience new things, and finally get to figure out who I am. So why bother with that person up here who never made time for me before or we were only kinda friends? I mean really, how often will I be up here and will those people be around? No. I would say not. And honestly I'm just tired of not having friends to talk to when I get down. I'm having all kinds of family troubles and health issues and I am so sad lately. And no one knows? Really? So why should I care! Do good and good will come to you. Is that selective? Because I always try when they need something to talk to to listen and give advice. Try to make them laugh and be friends. And me? No. I just sit at home and cry and no one cares. No one notices, even when it's right there.

I'm so angry. I have so much anger I don't even know what to do with it. I'm so mad at people. For the way the treat others, for political issues, for things people should care about and don't, for how they back stab everyone they know so no one has trust just falseness. And I'm most angry, to the point of livid, that people do not hear one another and do not speak to one another. I'm angry at out choice to be deaf, dumb, and blind. And I hate that I'm the one who opened her eyes and saw it. I know another of other people learning this same lesson and they never saw it, they somehow stayed blind. But now that I can see it, I can't stop seeing it. How people lie to others, how people lies to themselves! And how we look at someone who is obviously falling apart and not see it. We live in a world where we stuff our emotions and we don't want to hurt anyone and everyone is at fault for everything except ourselves. But what is it to be human then? Just to sit around stone faces and shun the person who felt something? Isn't being human feeling and having the cognition to know why we feel that and what we can do about it? Aren't eyes for seeing and ears for hearing? So when we see someone in pain, why are our arms not for holding and kind words not for giving?

What is this choice that we have made to be on "social networks" and forgetting how to be social at all! We are constantly in contact with another with technology....so then why do so many of us feel so alone? Because we are and we choose it. I'm not angry at fairy tales for making me believe in love. I'm angry at shows that made me believe in friends. I'm spent far more time n my life being lonely and wishing I had a friend than I ever spent waiting for a boyfriend (and this is not coming for a girl who was always dating someone. I had years of singledom.) And it's nights like these when I just feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about anything of any importance and I hold all this pain inside that I feel like heart is drowning, that I wonder if it will ever change? I know I'm at fault, I must be. I hate being shy, it's cursed me in so many ways. But even when I talk to people, it doesn't work! Or I find the wrong people as my college experience would show. If I just knew what I needed to change. What I needed to do. Where I needed to go! I want to be optimistic that in Florida I can make the changes I want to see happen...but without the proper tools how? How do I do this?

I'm also having one of those days that my thoughts are coming in and out like the tide. I don't know why I'm writing this or what I'm writing. I just want someone to know I'm lonely and I cry almost every day from the stress and events happening in my life. I do really laugh often and I want to share that with people; but I really want people to know how much I hurt as well. And I really want people to know I wish I could talk about it with someone...

I Keep Wondering When Will My Life Begin?

Well here I am just a few hours before we leave to go down to Florda for a week with Daniel's Mom going along to help us out. And I am exhausted so I can sleep for a bit but as I sit here, I'm so nervous I feel sick to my stomach. We are going down there to look for apartments and jobs and all that good stuff so we can move down there in less than a month. I am excited to go, but it's so scary at the same time. I feel completely unprepared for this, but I know now's the time.
I've always felt that I was to go on and do something. I'm still not sure what that thing is but I really feel like Florida is the place I'm meant to be. There's a calmness to the idea, a comfort in the idea of being in the sun and the warmth on my skin. I feel like God is calling me there, that I will learn something there; maybe who I am or what I'm meant to be? But I feel it's there. It's felt like for so long that when I'm here it wasn't right, that I was supposed to go do something and I started to feel stagnant and wondering when I would feel like I'm living and doing what my purpose is. And I feel like it's coming and in May it will be here.
And that's really exciting, but that doesn't make it all not really scary. I'm worried about jobs. I know I'm a good worker and smart so I'm sure once I stop scaring myself that really won't be bad, but I'm worried none the less. I'm worried about moving down there. I hate that drive with a passion. I'm worried about money, meeting people, car insurance, health insurance, getting in with doctors, or that my body will give out on me, and then there's planning a wedding 16 hours away. It's all really scary stuff. And it's pretty horrifying to face. Even Daniel's scared, he's just better at dealing with it.
And the closer it gets the scarier it gets. It seems so big and different and I don't have a clue how to be ready when the time comes. But I guess that is what chance is, are we ever really ready and know what to do? I guess not.
I'm just hoping for the best. That this finally works out and I feel like I'm on the right path doing the right thing.

Prayers for all of this would be wonderful. For my health and a way to learn to cope so I can function, that I can find a job quickly, that we find a great apartment this week and that things do start falling into place. Prayers for this whole journey would be great.

My Cry For Help

So often I sit around alone thinking that my problems are just going to go away if I ignore them or press them down enough. That I can not face them and they'll just go away. That's not how the world works. But why do I keep them to myself? Well because we live in a world now that even though the only thing people are interested in is drama but the minute someone they know is hurting, it's better to ignore it. Because when people say they are upset and why people tell them to "grow up and get over it."
Well I'm not complaining because my coffee is cold or mall is too packed. I always try to be kind and supportive of others. I always listen if someone comes up to me. I always put up funny pictures because I want others to have a laugh and feel good.
But damn it I hurt. I have should not have to feel bad about that. And I shouldn't have to hide it to make someone else feel better. I hurt and it's eating away my life. And I want to talk about it. And if no one is going to ask what's going on, if no one is going to say 'I'm here', then I will put it where it's public so maybe you'll see it. And probably you still won't care. But I'm not holding this as my own anymore.

I've been having a lot of trouble lately dealing with anxiety. As I've looked into anxiety and how to deal, I've realized my entire life I've dealt with this. This was the thing that made me be quiet and not be myself, that made me feel like I would never fit in so there was no reason to try. I always felt so different and now that I have Daniel in my life I realize I was just like everyone else. This was the thing since 6th grade made me so sad I didn't know how to cope and from sophomore year on I drove myself crazy trying to find out what was wrong with me. Anxiety. The word is misused in our society. So I'm sure the readers are going 'ok...so you're nervous...big whoop.' No. It's so much more than that. I wish I could give you my fear, my daily fear that happens when I'm in a car or watching a scary movie, that would equal your terror. I wish you knew what that felt like. And I don't care if that sounds mean. I wish you really got it. Because it sucks. Everything is so much harder. I've had panic attacks at the thought of walking into a church. Just opening a door and putting a foot inside. I'm that scared.
For awhile I was getting it under control. I felt more in charge. But last year when I was hit, it seemed to break it all lose. Everything became impossible. Everything became a nightmare and terrifying. Things that should be fun... I can't find the joy in it...and that's what this blog is really about.

But it's not just the anxiety that is making things hard. It's dealing with it and all the big life choices and changes coming at me by myself. I want to make sure this is understood: I do have Daniel. Daniel is great and he tries to help...he doesn't always know how, but he tries. But he's one person. Who's going through it too..who's really just as lost as me. He doesn't know what we are going into, he can't give me words of wisdom or knowledge or words of comfort....that's what I don't have. Yes he'll be there if I need him...he has to be.....it's that feeling there is no one else.

I got engaged in November. It should be one of the happiest moments of your life. And he did a wonderful job. I got a whole trip and he knew I always said I wanted fireworks just for me and that's what he tried to make it. He did a great job.
There is always this part of an engagement a girl doesn't actually envision..but expects. And that the people who love you will be so happy for you! That they will hug you and be excited and ask what your plans are. And just have real joy for you.

The day after I got engaged we were driving home and I got a call, a call that informed me of other calls that happened. Those people who "loved" me had made calls about my engagement....but not one to me. In fact I didn't get a text from the people involed, not even a freaking facebook comment or like. No. But they knew and they talked it over, and....well to be quiet frank considering they never came to me, I guess everything they talked about was assumptions. And they decided that I just happened to be a immature child who ran off and got engaged and was being stupid and ruining my life and must not have told my mom. That's how I found out. My mom, who did know, told me about this. In fact Daniel asked for her permission and talked to her about it way before we left. These people could have known this had they called ME and asked ME! It was MY DAY! I have never been so angry at these people in my life! Only because I am shy and anxious of confronting people stopped them from getting a call that night at some time past midnight...in fact stopped them from getting attacked by me for the next month. I was livid. And I'm still mad.

And I'm sure you could say 'oh maybe it wasn't they way you think it was.' Well lets talk about when I get home shall we. I get home. No one says anything about it as I'm with one of the people who were a part of this behind my back phone conversation. I know they know. But they have no intention of mentioning it. They are going to pretend they don't know. So we decided to "tell" this person...you want to know this responce. The people who are to be my "loved ones", and about the things girls dream about since they were little, you want to hear how my happy news was responded to? They looked over at Daniel and said "Well what did you do that for?"........

That was the beginning of all of this. That phone tag that was about me and my news, that didn't involve me, permantly and forever burned a bridge for me. No. That's not love. I mean it's one thing when the guy is abusive, when they have watched her be treated badly I get that. But Daniel? What did he do wrong? Oh I remember one summer I had hit depression to the point I had my suicide planned out, I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I threw up and had headaches till I couldn't see I was so miserable (Didn't know that did you? Thanks for your concern when my life was at risk.). So he picked up his life and in a week gave up what he had planned to do for himself to come down and be with me. How terrible of him. And then he took care of me while I was sick for months and was there when I had surgery. And has stood by me while I fell a part, emotionally and physically and loves me for everything I am. So what is your problem with that? He's not rich? I'm sorry if I think love is more important. That having someone you trust, that is your best friend and you can laugh with them and they understand you in a way no one has EVER understood you. That there isn't a thing you can do that is going to be judged because they love you that much. I'm sorry you can't see what love is or that I have it. But people do fall in love and I don't have to be over 30 to find it. And even if you don't believe that, it's still my life, if I'm making a "mistake"- let me. You don't learn from sitting on the side lines while others tell you what's right and what's wrong. You have to dive in and do it.

And further more, for anyone who would try to take away an engaged couples happiness and the joy they should feel after that: How DARE you? Think back at your engagement and the happiness you felt. Think about when you went to people and were congratulated and hugged and they were happy for you. Think of that joy you had...and how dare you think you have the right to decided someone elses life and that if you don't appove you have the right to ruin that experience and happiness for them? That you can ban together and ignore it and you will "teach" them a lesson. No. NEVER do this to someone! What a HORRIBLE! and TERRIBLE! way to treat someone you "love"!

It was in this that I realized I didn't have people to turn to. It was in that I realized I didn't have love and support I always assumed would be there. And I don't expect anyone who would read this would honestly know how bad that hurts. I learned that a title that a person holds in your life, even permantly, can sometimes be no more than a title. And you can't ever assume that there is love there. I assumed that and I was wrong. You couldn't make me believe they love me, not after that. There were some that I really liked and trusted...I thought were really there for me and I thought were funny and great and I loved being around...and then this. And I used to love to see you. Now I never want see that person again.

So after this happened, I look out to see who else supports me.....well I got congrats, nice words. They were nice. But....I don't have barely any friends. I could lie here to save people's feelings but why? So I can hurt alone still? I have a couple people who really are my friends. That's it. For the most part I've been ignore and walked all over and used as a personal therapist and then thrown away for the more "popular" or more "useful" "friends". I'm not fake and I don't really want to fake friendships, so if I know they won't really be my friends and be real with me, no I'm not interested. So that in general made me a pretty unpopular choice. And things happened and every turned on me. No one cared, they also didn't see how depressed I had gotten or cared. So I was left alone.

So no. I never had anyone bubbling over with excitement. I never had people ask what my plans were, how excited I was. People didn't even ask how the trip was or how Daniel asked.

And no one ever hugged me. That's the one that hurts the most. But I guess I should be used that by now...because when I was little I was that people didn't hug you and listen and help when you upset.

So I got through that...and the holidays. I kept the pain to myself and the loneliness...guess I do a good job of hiding it, I've never seen anyone give a shit.

 I graduated. Same people didn't care. No cards. No calls. Not texts, nothing.

And here I am. I am trying to figure out where and how to get a job...alone. And I'm trying to plan things for a wedding....alone. And looking at places down in Florida because I plan on moving and am getting the same amount for that as anything else.
And I'm already fighting having an anxiety disorder with no help or acknowledge meant from previously mentioned party. Not to metion health problems. I might have fibromyalgia and IBS, but I still down have anwsers for what's really long after over a year of suffering.

All alone.

And I'm exhausted.

The anxiety of trying to do all of this by myself is like this huge tidal wave coming at me and I'm just standing there frozen and lost because no one will save me, they'll just watch me get swallowed by it and believe I deserve it.

And I want to cry out for help...but when I do no one anwsers. So I'll just let you know what's going on in my life now.

 I was devasted by how my engagement was recived. Congratulations: You ruined one of the happiest moments of my life. I hope you are happy and don't worry you will always get the credit. But since then and the graduation, no one really cared about me before but now that I wasn't around most have just forgotten about me completely and my loneliness has reached a new level. And having that illusion of love shattered has made it all that much more terrible to deal with because I know they don't even care.
So we started to plan the wedding and was trying to get as much down as possible before we moved as possible. I was trying to be excited and enjoy it....but knowing I was going to be doing all this alone and that all these people I thought would be there aren't going to be.....well it was so painful to realize, and all that I have to do for a wedding? Alone? It was too much. I am not excited anymore. I quit planning. I always wanted a big white wedding with loved ones. Well I don't have that so what's the point. Why waste all my money and time, because I won't be getting any support to have a great beautiful wedding for them to come and be fake and not even say how great I did? Or they're proud of me. God forbid I heard that one! No, I just know that I'm already stressed and the idea of taking all this on with no help became over whelming and heart breaking and I didn't want to do it anymore. For a month I just kept looking up dresses and colors and flowers. And then I just stopped.I don't even want to. If people bring it up....I just try to give quick anwsers and get away because I don't even want to think about it. We're having an engagement party this weekend because I wanted to be with family and friends and celebrate it.......and I'm so miserable I've been woken up in the middle of the night crying because I don't want to be there. I want to see these people, I want to see those who are coming....but what I've been dealing with has made the topic of the party the most dreadful things for me to think of dealing with right now...especially while pretending like I'm okay. I've wanted to cancel it...I've talked to Daniel about it and I came so close to doing it....but I'm so terribly lonely I don't want to take away my only chance to see some people...

So I hope those people are happy. You won I guess. I mean of course you treat someone's happy news like that you are going to effect them, but the silence I've gotten from them and when I did bring it up the responces of "When is this happening!?" and when I say it's still awhile away the "I was about to say!" like I shouldn't be excited. And I hope you know it takes two to be engaged. You also have hurt Daniel with this. Can you imagine being the one to go the lenghts to give your love the engagement of their dreams only to find out that people in her life are saying things and upsetting her? Of course he's hurt and angry for what you've done. So you can add that to the list of accomplishments.
Now I have no interest in my wedding or what I'm doing, not even liking things I do tell you. Well, now I can't even be excited to look at stuff or plan for a wedding. I've even talked to Daniel about putting it on hold. It has nothing to do with him or my relationship! We're great! That's why I don't want to do this: I know I'll love him and be with him forever. I don't need to waste my time and money on a wedding that you are just going to judge, make sarcastic comments and hurtful jabs, and not help with right up to the very end so you can go and try to make the day about you and can sit together in the pews talking about how we won't last. So you won. You hurt me. What you did did effect me.
 But you did ruin my dreams.
And I hate you for that. I am so angry at you.
And I will never forgive you for this.
 Ever.

On another note, I'm trying to get a job, something that should be simple, because I'm moving by May. However all this anxiety that I don't know what to do with is making it so hard because I'm so scared to be around people. And with the pain all over my body and the stomach problems I'm scared I can't keep up for a whole day without my back giving and I'll fall. Or that my stomach will get upset. But I need money. So I have to get a job. This is a constant record in my head: "I'm scared to work. I have to get money. I'm too scared to people. I'm too scared to going broke. I'm too scared my body can't do it. I'm too scared I won't be able to get to Florida...." on and on.

And moving is scary. I'm going 16 hours away. I have to find a place to live, find a job, drive in this huge city. I'm from Fairmont. Orlando is BIG! And I'm scared to death. My support for Florida is even lower than the engagement. Actually I don't think people believed us, which is annoying. I'm not 5. I am, in fact, an adult who can make life decisions and I'm not just playing house. It's time to start treating me like the adult I am, respecting my opinions and what I say, and believeing me when I say things like "I am moving to Florida." But most are still in denial so they are just going to pretend like it's not going to happen and the month before I will be hit by this horrible back last  of 'WE DON'T SUPPORT YOU!' and I will fill you with my fears and maybe you'll think because I'm sure you haven't don't that.
LOOK!: That shows how much you know me right there. Not like you really cared I've had anxiety problems my whole life, but you should know that I'm scared and that effecting my life. So DON'T try to scare me!! What the hell kind of love is that!? 'Oh you're terrifed? Well then did you think about this? Because I'll bet it would kill you! Did that scared' YES! Okay! You are scaring me! Happy!

But scaring me won't work this time. And everyone needs to understand this now because this really ties it all together right here. I am going to Florida. There is nothing to stop me now. I have NOTHING here. I have no one to turn to. I have no friends. I have no job prospects and no way to find out what I really want to do with my life because here there's nothing for me to try. And when I've tried to joins things and meet people and find things I love, it's always the same. People don't even look at me. No one says hi even. I've going to church things and sat by myself at places where everyone else talks about how nice the people are and when it came time ot shake hands they would shake over me, across me, look at me and go to the person they knew!
Every door in Fairmont has slammed shut on me. I've already stayed too long. I can feel that some completely. My time's up. I once heard that God will force doors closed so you have to open a new one and I believe that's what he's done. Because I am scared and had something been okay I probably would have stayed. But that's not the case and I only have one option left: leave.
And you're right: I'm scared to death. I don't know what I'm doing or have the first clue on what this is going to be like. I'm finally going to be hit by real life and I'm gong to be 16 hours away from anyone I know. Yea that's horrifing. And yes I would usually chicken out of something this scary with an excuse. But I have no where to turn. I don't have another place in the world that it feels right to go. Maybe that's what God's been trying to say to me. Because nothing feels right anymore, the only thing I know with any certanty is one word that comes to me with such comfort and assurance: Florida.

And what will I do down there? I'll finally found out who I am. I can't do that here. I don't know who I am because I lost me trying to please others. I have no one to please in Florida. And there away from all the judgement I'll find out what I'm really wanting, what God's tellng me to do. And when he does? I don't know, I'm pretty sure "loved" ones won't like it, but you see, it stops here. I'm done trying for you. I spent to much time and effort to make you happy and I got nothing from it. You're still not proud and I'm miserable. So you hate who I really am! Hate me! Because that means I finally did something right and real and true to who I am meant to be. And if you really love me? You'll love and support me. And if you don't? You won't be in my life. I don't care who you are. This is MY life, not yours. And after what happened when I got engaged and all that stuff happened, I took my life back. I get one and I'm not going to miss it because someone else doesn't prove. I've done a lot of great stuff and I have been a great person and I'm so sorry you can't see that. And now I'm going to be a strong person.

So go ahead and not support me and scare me to death. Because I am so trapped that even if I turn around to run screaming I still am going to be running to Florida! I have no where else to go! If you love me you'll put your personal feelings aside, grow up and be an adult and help me with making this big change. But to keep me here and keep me in misery and a life that I hate to make you "happy"? I can't. Not this time. Not ever again.

So by May I'll be gone. And I want to think things will be different...but I'm scared to hope. Because that hope, even if you don't realize it's there is what makes everything so much more painful. I've been keeping this all to myself. I sit at home alone and cry and I'll pull it together to help others. And no one knows but Daniel how badly I've been falling a part...and I didn't even tell him for a long time. I didn't tell any one because I didn't know where to turn...I still don't. I don't know if anymore will read this or at all read all of it....but I can't keep holding it in. I am so angry! I am so hurt and so heartbroken by all of this, and how no one cares. I never thought I'd be in love and feel so alone, I didn't know it was possible. But I guess it is and in the middle of big events coming up the silence can be maddening.

I always wanted people in my life who really support and love me and be there for me; and to think when happiness came my way people turned their backs on me is still something I can't even understand. I always wanted it, never dreamed I wouldn't have it. I still want it....

But if I have to pick up and walk away and take on the world by myself I will. But I won't support you. I can't do that and carry the weight of the world on my shoulder. I will go on with my life without support...

But I still wish I had it....